Guilt, courage and change

 When confronted by someone, abruptly out of the blues, with some serious lacuna or fault of ours, the most common and immediate reaction (besides shock) is denial.  One is too lost to see oneself 'naked', exposed.  Naturally the mind goes into overdrive to cover oneself up - with whatever one can think of!  In this process, one blurts out things which often end up doing more damage than good.  

While this immediate response or reaction is understandable, continuing to be in that same state of denial and attempting to cover things up, is a sign of a weakened conscience. Such a person will always find it hard to make any changes in one's own life, because he or she has not really accepted the truth about oneself.  Without primarily accepting one's own given situation, and acknowledging (at least to oneself) that it is not the best of oneself, how does one move to a better state of life or living?  

While guilt is a terrible burden, it can also move us to be courageous.  Courageous enough to accept the fault and seek ways to make up for it, all the while keen on making oneself a better person.  I also understand that it is easy for me to write this, as one not affected.  Nonetheless, I tell myself, if I do not have the honesty to admit my own mistakes, small ones to begin with, and in all sincerity, I will never have the courage needed to admit mistakes that I constantly bury without a funeral! 

Faith as commitment

 I came across this beautiful but challenging narration about faith as commitment... (a reflection by Jijo Jose Manjackal)

It’s a bright morning at Niagara Falls, 1859. The mist is rising, the roar of the waters is deafening and thousands of people are holding their breath. 

A rope - just two inches thick - stretches across the mighty falls. And then he appears: Charles Blondin, the greatest tightrope walker of his time. 

He steps onto that rope one careful step at a time. The crowd gasps - some turn their faces away. Step after step inch after inch and finally, he reaches the other side! 

The people explode in cheers and applause. Blondin turns around and shouts, “Do you believe I can walk back again?” “Yes!” they roar.  

He smiles. “Do you believe I can do it pushing a wheelbarrow?” “Yes!” Then he points to the crowd and asks, “Who will get into the wheelbarrow?” Silence.  No one moved!

 Everyone believed but no one committed! Everyone cheered but no one chose! 

In our Christian life, it’s time to stop cheering from the sidelines and start choosing! 

Faith is not a feeling to admire it is a choice to commit. 

Tying our own feet...

More than ever, I've come to realise that the more we invest in infrastructure, the more we are tying down our own selves, especially in terms of our apostolate. With our ever increasing craze to build structures, even with already built buildings lying idle or under utilised, we tend to push for newer buildings. 

The skewed logic being: We needed the space, so we built. But over the years, the numbers are constantly dwindling and in quite a few places we hardly have any resident students or boarders. And since the building is there, we feel the need to fill it up with children. Even if the need isn't that or has totally changed.  So the reason for staying behind and doing the same work as before is that there is the building!!  

I'm reminded of an incident in Hollywood which struck me very deeply...Ward Kimball was an animator for the Walt Disney Studios in the 1930’s. He was on the team for the first full-length animated feature by the Disney studio, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937).

He spent 240 days working on a single four-and-a-half-minute scene. In that scene, the dwarfs were cooking a meal for Snow White, and he covered every detail. When the time came, to review the film, Walt Disney personally reviewed the scene and commented: “That scene is hilarious. It’s terrific.” 

Then, he added, “But, I think it interrupts the flow of the movie so we need to cut it out!” 

So off went that scene - 240 days of immense work, scrapped in order to preserve and enhance, the greatness of the film! 

I wish we had that courage and vision of Ward Kimball to be able to see the greater picture and adapt accordingly, however painful it may be. 

I managed to get a clip of the same production... 

The closed door

The gospel of the day begins with the scene of the closed doors.  The disciples, afraid of the Jews, are behind closed doors.  The scene then turns to Jesus appearing to them and the display of his wounds to them. 

I have another version of this whole episode.  Most the disciples, for fear, chose to stay behind the closed doors.  Only a few dared go out and attempt to do the good they could.  Their reasoning: If we, as the closest to Jesus feel so distraught, how much more will those who felt close to Jesus but did not have the privilege of knowing him as intimately as we did, feel. 

So they dared out to seek those confused and frightened, just as they themselves, and offer the little consolation they could.  Perhaps, in strengthening them, they would be strengthened themselves.  Moreover they knew well that Jesus would have done the same.  So they ventured out, not overcoming their fear, but in spite of their fears!  They chose to risk the open, rather than let fear feed on them within closed doors.   

In the meantime, Jesus appears to those huddled indoors.  And after a while when those few who had gone out return, those who saw the risen Lord narrate all that happened to them.  And as they narrate the conversation they had with Jesus, they particularly get enlightened about the words of Jesus, "Blessed are those who have not seen, but yet believe!"  Those who had dared out then narrate how they were strengthened as they spend time with others similarly distraught and confused.  Without seeing the tongues of fire, they too had received the Holy Spirit!  

Certain hope

We do so many things in life, some of which are clearly geared towards a far distant dream.  We are hopeful and in a sense sure of achieving that dream - we wouldn't be spending all that time and energy if we were not 'so sure'.  However, not everything has to go our way either.  Things may go haywire and our sustained and years of effort may be totally lost, in view of the intended purpose.  It certainly causes pain and heartache. But I think what causes real pain and suffering is when you realize that the effort is 'wasted' not because it was worthless or you failed, but for some silly and absolutely ridiculous reason as your caste, or religion, place of birth, or some else's like or dislike. How to face angst? Helpless anger?

To see a life, especially a young promising and enthusiastic life, killed in some senseless violence.   To see an activist being murdered for fighting what everyone knows is a just cause.  To hear of a whole family shattered by the rape of a young daughter, only because they belonged to a particular caste, or religion or section of society.  To come to know of a friend who has been denied promotion or benefits due to him only on account of him being of a different group than the one in authority... all of this puts to question the notion of having a dream, slogging it out for it... If all one works for can be wiped off by something so trivial and for no reason, then why strain? 

Yet we do!  We invest our time and energy in our plans.  We slog it out for our dreams.  We plan for years ahead of us.  We hope! If we let doubts or fears grow, we'd not be able to do anything at all! 

(But merely having hope is like walking carefully through a minefield - hoping that we do not step on one!  As long as I'm not the one stepping on, everything is fine.  Doing something about the minefield itself is an act of courage.)  

Poetry

Here are some insights from the talk by Rev. Mark Oakley who spoke of poetry as the true language of religion.

• Poetry is more about meaning than words. 
• Poetry is not a better way of saying truth but truth is found in poetry. 
• It is a language that hovers, rather than being logical or grounded. It is not something that can be beaten down to extract the precise meaning.  Just like story telling which commences with "Once upon a time..." poetry arrives at meaning without summarizing.  The contrast to poetry is not exactly prose but 'here is the news' attitude.  People now-a-days prefer to have 'news ears' where things are all very definite and clear, rather than live with ambiguity and openness, characteristics of poetry. 
• Poetry is what arrives at your intellect by way of the heart. 
• Metrophobia: fear of poetry

One of the last things he mentioned was the quote that captured his attention during one of the protests in the US: 

He stated that this is popularly considered a Mexican proverb but was originally by a gay Greek poet who wrote it as a sign of his rebellion against his companions who excluded him from the literary community for his sexual orientation.  

Passion of John the Baptist

Was told the other day that the commemoration of the beheading of John the Baptist is now referred to as the 'passion of John the Baptist'.  I found that weird.

Honestly, John the Baptist did not have any prolonged agony prior to his death.  Most probably even when the soldiers came to his prison to behead him, he would not have known of his imminent death.  So besides being behind bars for a short while, I don't see what great agony he would have undergone to now refer to it as the 'passion'.

However, on deeper reflection it struck me that perhaps he did suffer.  He surely must have struggled a lot with many a thing prior to his death.  I am sure he would have wondered and found it very confusing that he was imprisoned for telling a fact.  He must have wondered if he was sane, because no one else in the whole kingdom felt that Herod taking his brother's wife was wrong.  JB would have asked himself if he was right and the rest wrong, especially given the fact that only he seemed to say that Herod's act was unethical. To have to stand all alone is itself a great task demanding courage and will.  Then over and above it to be hounded for taking a stand, that too a righteous one, would be more hurting.  

Burden and strength

The Israelites were slaves under the Egyptians till Moses, under Yahweh's guidance, leads them out of slavery.  The first reading of the day, records God instructing Moses to go to the people of Israel and the Pharaoh to tell them of the end of their slavery in Egypt.

Interestingly the gospel speaks of burden and yoke.  The Lord does not say that He will take away the burden.  Instead He says, "My yoke is easy and my burden light."  There is no talk of taking away the burden or difficulty.  But only the assurance that neither will be too much to bear.

In our moments of difficulty and trial we often pray that the difficulty be taken away, forgetting that a genuine prayer would seek for strength and courage to go through the difficulty.  Even in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed that the cup of suffering be taken away but if it was His Father's will, he was also sure that the Father will give him the necessary grace to endure.

Judas, the non-anonymous

Reflection for April 12, 2017

Judas, often exemplified, as the devil incarnate or the evil one is just a mortal human being like you and me. That he was chosen as an apostle indicates that Jesus found something special in him. He certainly wasn't a criminal or a good for nothing guy.

Judas is neither a master of evil nor the figure of a demoniacal power of darkness but rather a sycophant who bows down before the anonymous power of changing moods and current fashion. But it is precisely this anonymous power that crucified Jesus, for it was anonymous voices that cried, 'Away with him! Crucify him!' [Pope Benedict XVI]

Thus Judas was not the only reason why Jesus was caught. He only happens to be the only one with a name among the crowd of the anonymous. While anonymous charity can be read as humility, anonymous plotting of evil is cowardice. Where do we wish to stand: among the anonymous crowd or as one with a voice and a face, willing to take responsibility?

Being vulnerable

Reflection for Palm Sunday (April 09, 2017)

We are at the threshold of the Holy Week. We now witness the vulnerability of Jesus. If He wanted, He could have opted out or chosen a different path. But by making Himself vulnerable, He touches our hearts. We often feel strong and secure when our weaknesses are not known to others. We feel powerful when our secrets are safe. However, very few have the courage to expose their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It is certainly a risky affair. You never know what others would do with such an intimate knowledge of ourselves. In the gospel narration of today we come across several people who are conscious to keep their secrets safe. The apostles anxiety in the Upper room: “Is it I Lord?” Caiaphas and Pilate had their own demons to be hid. The chief priests and scribes felt powerful to see Jesus on the cross; their inadequacies will no more be challenged.

However in the crowd there is also Mary Magdalene. She had nothing to hide. She was well aware that the Lord knew her whole story. She was touched by Him because she did not hesitate to hide from Him her frailties. To be truly touched implies the courage to reveal our vulnerabilities. In His passion, Jesus reveals to us his weakness: love for humanity. This Palm Sunday as we walk with Jesus, in His penultimate journey, let us acknowledge and work on our vulnerabilities rather than devise plans and ways to cover and safeguard them. Let us risk 'being touched'. Let grace flow.

Lenten penance

What did you give up for Lent?  That's the question most people have in mind now.  I've asked myself too the same.  When in a context where more than half of the week I give up lunch (not because I want to but because I'm away at college) there's no point in giving up more of food!  So that really brings me to ask what is it that I then give up so that I 'feel' it?

So for this Lent, I'm giving up 'discouragement'.  May look odd but in this present moment, I think that's what I'm 'enjoying'!  So why not give up that!  The academic front has been challenging. And not used to being challenged intellectually, I find myself struggling.  Over the past couple of months, I realise I've been wallowing in this pit of 'lethargic discouragement'. Time for some sacrifice!

Swim against the tide

Message of the Rector Major (31 January 2017)

My dear young people of the entire Salesian world, dear girls and dear boys,
I greet you as a friend, brother and father; I address you this greeting on behalf of Don Bosco, as I come to you “knocking at the door of your life” on the occasion of the feast of our Beloved Father.

A few days ago Pope Francis wrote a letter to the youth on the occasion of the presentation of the document that will be used to prepare the XV Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops, which will be held in October 2018. At the beginning of His letter, the Pope tells you, “I wanted you to be the centre of attention, because you are in my heart.” I know well, from my personal experience, what it means to carry you in my heart and to express every good wish, even if in many cases we have not yet had the possibility of greeting each other personally.

May I tell you something in confidence? Often, when I encounter you, young friends, in the various parts of the world and I must address you, I think what Don Bosco would tell you on behalf of Jesus. 

I am aware of the great diversity existing among you according to the nations and continents in which you live; diversities also of culture, diversities for the type of preparation for life, some with studies of vocational training or of qualification for a profession, others through university studies. I am aware that the situation of those who can count on human and economic resources to develop their talents is different from the one of those who lack these opportunities, etc. But I am convinced that your young hearts have so much to share and that, despite the differences, they are very similar to one another, and because of this I think I can address you a common message that reaches you wherever you are.

The message I send you today is in full harmony with the one that on various occasions Pope Francis asked you: “Dear Young Friends, I have confidence in you and I pray for you. Have the courage to ‘swim against the tide’.”

Many are the adults who have full confidence in you. I am one of them, my dear young friends, and I invite you to be courageous in your life. I spur you to have the strength to “swim against the tide”, when the call to be faithful to yourself and to Jesus resounds in your hearts.

Today the world needs you. It needs the great ideals that are proper of your youth and of your juvenile dreams. The world, now more than ever, is in need of young people who are full of hope and courage, who are not afraid of living, dreaming, looking for that authentic and profound happiness through which God dwells in your heart. Young people who have the will to commit themselves and who are capable of committing themselves and of loving “to the point of suffering”, as Mother Theresa of Calcutta, now a Saint, said. Young people who, under the spur of their commitment, are capable to donate their time and even to donate themselves.

Regretfully however, there are may young people who are “tired, bored or disappointed”, or young people who never felt enthusiastic for anything, young people who are week and frail. These youth need other youth; they need you who, speaking of the experience and with a language that comes from life, may show them that there are other ways and other possibilities. Young people who help them to really understand that fleeing from the challenges of life is never the solution; young people who also as true disciples-missionaries, help them to discover Jesus in their life and to believe in Him. A Jesus who, obviously, “does not sell you illusions”, but who offers Life, the authentic one, His own Life, His very Self.

I think, my dear youth, that on this 31st of January 2017 Don Bosco could tell you something so simple, with the words and language of today, as the Pope did in His letter: “Do not be afraid ... A better world can be built also as a result of your efforts, your desire to change and your generosity. Do not be afraid to listen to the Spirit who proposes bold choices; do not delay when your conscience asks you to take risks in following the Master.”

I wish with all my heart that it may be so for you: that you may be capable to risk, when it comes to Jesus and to God the Father in your life. You will never lack his Presence through the Spirit and it will be a certain guarantee for your human journey of happiness. I greet you with sincere affection and wish you a happy feast of Don Bosco and the ever maternal protection of our Mother help of Christians.

Fr Angel Fernandez (Rector Major)

Seeking confirmation

One of the virtues of a good leader is his ability to stand by principles and values.  While decisions are arrived at after consultation and discussion, there are times when this does not easily happen as such.  These are times when the mettle is tested.

Most often people crumble under the pressure of taking the right decisions and at the same time safeguarding their image or impression.  When the latter take upper hand, at the cost of values which need to be upheld, then one has lost his/her virtue as a leader - but retention of position is still possible!

He broke a new way -- because, only because, he had the courage to go farther without asking whether others followed, or even understood. He did not have the need for that protection against ridicule, which others seek in a divided responsibility, because he had a faith which abstained from seeking confirmation. 

Dag Hammarskjold, Markings

Dare to be

The other day during the inaugural mass of the Xavier Catholic Educational Board, there was this particular reflection read out after Communion. Quite apt for the occasion and meaningful too:

When something new begins, dare to smile gratefully,

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light. 

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it. 

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway. 

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back. 

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some. 

When you're feeling tired, dare to keep going. 

When times are tough, dare to be tougher. 

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When someone fails, dare to be the first to extend a hand. 

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile. 

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you've done you best. 

Dare to be the best we can. 

At all times, ... 

Education ... freedom and authenticity

A quote from the presentation of Mr Kurian during one of the Strategic Planning sessions.

Pedagogy of the Oppressed (Paulo Freire) and Deschooling Society (Ivan Illich) have discussed at length the politics of education.  True formation must decolonize the mind. There is nothing more damning than the illusion of a unique, singular, uncritical and choiceless identity.  "If traditionalism were proper, the prophets would merely have followed their own leaders and not come with new messages" (Akbar and his India). 

Along with Oscar Wilde, we could remember from time to time, that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.  Provided, of course, the freedom to think is at the service of the freedom to authenticity. 

Growing in reality... genuinely

Had a long sitting for the Salesian Social Forum the whole day.  Honestly it was not what I really expected it to be.  Today's whole day was dedicated to discussion on the statutes and code of ethical practices.  We hardly discussed anything else.

I joined the SSF last year, when Fr TD John had briefed me about the same during one of his visits to Karunapuram. At that point I already had a strong feeling that the formation process I was involved in was far removed from reality and honestly needed an overhaul.  For that I personally needed an overhaul!!  Therefore I volunteered to widen my own horizons, grow more grounded and genuine before I assist others in their formation process. I was honestly exploring.

However, there was one thing that Fr George Kollashany stated sometime in the beginning of the discussions, right in the morning which kept ringing in my ears all day long.  He was trying to "define" our spontaneous group of SSF.  He basically asked if I was afraid to venture out, take initiatives on my own for something I deeply feel is truthful, but lack support? He cited this group as the support bank that one could fall back upon. But basically it was a personal challenge:  Am I questioning myself with regard to the radicality of the gospel?  Am I willing to have my whole inner world topple?  In turn am I ready to shake the existing structures, more out of my conviction, than my convenience, and that too for a truly noble cause?

Courage or Cowardice

The suicide of my batch mate set off a weird conversation with another friend yesterday night.  When the latter heard that the guy had committed suicide, he exclaimed, "What a courageous guy!" Truly I was surprised.  I asked him what is courageous about committing suicide?  His angle was that normal people cannot dare touch their own lives.  It really takes a lot of grit and courage to commit suicide.

Perhaps.  But I believe that only the act of dying can be called 'courageous'. But everything else is actually a sign of cowardice!  If someone is committing suicide and would be labelled courageous, then he or she should adopt a really gruesome means of ending one's life.  That I doubt will ever happen.  However, basically suicidal tendencies are a sign of ailment and they need help.  Unfortunately by the time the diagnosis is done, life is done away with!

Maybe all the unfortunate who reach the decision of committing suicide, should join the army and go to the frontlines or enroll themselves in some daredevil sports where risk of life is very high.  At least they'll die gloriously - if at all there is any glory in taking one's own life! Anyway all these are thoughts and talks of those who are too busy living... God alone knows what's really going on in the mind and life of the one who resorts to such 'deadly' acts.

Be perfect as in be whole

And at the end, if we are brave enough to love, strong enough to forgive, generous enough to rejoice in another's happiness, and wise enough to know there is enough love to go around for us all, then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know. We can re-enter paradise. 

Harold Kushner

Blessings come as opportunities

That God does not offer ready-made packages of wisdom or talent or anything for that matter is something that I learnt from a movie: Evan almighty! It is there that I began to realize that when I pray for courage, God does not swell my chest or strengthen my muscles; rather He offers me possibilities, occasions to be courageous. When I pray for love, He does not send some nice goody-goody feeling into my heart; rather He brings people into my life whom I can love and receive love from.

I told the boarders last night the same. God or Mother Mary is pleased with our fervent prayers, especially the ones we are offer privately at their feet in all earnestness. However, do not expect God or Mother Mary to do what you are supposed to do. They offer us chances, possibilities, opportunities to bring to fruition what we ask for. Asking God to help me study is not going to be answered if I squander all the many opportunities that come my way by way of study material, time for study, luxury of facilities for learning... Similarly Mother Mary is not going to score a goal in the football match on my behalf and make my team win... however hard I pray. She rather offers me the chances to learn football all along and the possibility of shooting goals during the game. To ask for help and then totally act indifferent to the opportunities that flood by is an act of foolishness.

A Nation's Strength

Not gold, but only men, can make
A people great and strong
Men who for truth and honour's sake
Stand fast and suffer long.
Brave men who work while others sleep
Who dare while others fly -
They build a nation's pillars deep
And lift them to the sky. 

 - Ralph Waldo Emerson