Persons beyond actions

Reflection for April 11, 2017: To see the person beyond the action

Jesus' attitude towards Judas is noteworthy. Here is the man who has already betrayed Him, yet Jesus does not throw any tantrum or make a scene out of Judas' pretense. He does not chastise him or humiliate him for his choices. He does not grumble about Judas to the other apostles when he is gone from the room. Jesus is also aware of Peter's betrayal by denial. Yet He still treats them both with dignity and respect.

We may say, it is because Jesus was God, He could be so gracious. But it is the same Jesus who cried out in agony in the garden of Gethsemane asking that if possible, he be spared the suffering. To feel such agony and at the same time not hold it against someone or anyone requires great vision and openness of the heart. It does not come all at once. One needs constantly to make such decisions in small matters of life, to achieve such equanimity at moments of great intensity.

Responding immediately to betrayal or hurt feelings by being angry is natural. Yet Jesus shows through his words and deeds that there are other ways of responding too, when others hurt us deeply… to see the person beyond his or her actions.

Introspection before accusation

Yesterday the gospel and the reading was about the woman accused of adultery.

If there is one of you who has not sinned, let him be the first to throw a stone at her (Jn 8: 7).

Psychologists speak of 'projection' as a defense mechanism that we human beings use to cover up our defects or hidden thoughts. If we really analyse those things that irritate or annoy us most, we would realise that the cause is actually within us and since we do not want to acknowledge our defects, we project them on to others, point fingers at them and thereby justify ourselves. This is easier done on those who cannot question or defend themselves. Jesus reverts our attention back to ourselves, calls for an introspection prior to an accusation.

We judge ourselves by what we are capable of but judge others by what they've already done (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow).

Shut up!

When does one say "Shut up!" to someone else?
When I realize that I have nothing more valuable to say and the other is just getting started to share something valuable!

Directing anger

Usually we get angry only with others.  Seldom or never do we get angry with ourselves.  Br John's goodnight was an invitation to get angry with oneself... that would mean that we are willing to look into ourselves and direct our anger inward, than blame it onto someone else.

However, it is often the case that what we find most distasteful in ourselves that we hate in others.  It is actually ourselves that we are defending when we get angry with someone.  Just making sure that my skeletons do not tumble out!

Taking offense

In the community, as I go about my usual self now - I wasn't so, for quite sometime - I realize that very many Brothers take offense when I tell them something or point out something that they are supposed to do or know.  I demand that Brothers be on time for class.  (I am there myself and ensure that I stop class at the bell too) They would like to take their own time getting into the classroom, take time to settle down, chat about (immediately after a 15 minute break)... all of this while the Professor is yet to reach the class. In this case the Professor is to be blamed primarily.  But when one 'strange' guy turns up on time, the story is still the same!  When demanded that they be in class at the bell, they are offended!

Some Brothers are angry that their nonsensical thesis papers are not approved by their respective guides. So the guide, who is doing his duty, is the one at fault. The Brother does not see that it is he who failed to do a decent work, in time and with some finesse. Leave alone feel guilty or sorry about this; he feels angry that the guide has not approved his paper!!

In such an ambiance where people fail to demand and set standards, for themselves and for others as well; where all have settled for a comfortable level of mediocrity (either out of fear or laziness) ... any change for the better is always seen as a violation of 'fundamental rights'.

That, is certainly a sign that things need to change!  

Living OUR lives

While thinking of my views and opinions about others, especially those in the community, I remembered reading something in the book The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho:

When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life.  And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry.  Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.  

This is very true of us religious living in a community, especially the last bit of insight.  But then I asked myself, how do married people live? Say, my parents or my brother's family?  They share their life with the same person till the end of their lives.  We religious at least have our annual transfers! The key, not to solve the issue, but to understand one another better is, communication... an open and sincere sharing of views wherein I talk as well as am willing to listen.  Lacking in which I only keep creating an ideal confrere while the real confrere is not really listened to. 

Screensaver Religious

Quite a number of religious are like screensavers - don't ask me of what!  They appear good and attractive but that apparent goodness or 'charm' disappears the moment the mouse - in this case, the person - is touched.

I remember another of my favourite quotes, something I heard during my first retreat as a professed Salesian, while at Yercaud...

It is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. 

I am well aware that there is no easy remedy for this 'screensaver' syndrome other than patient cultivation of virtues and a sincere and continued deepening of one's spirituality in the person of Christ. That's easier said than done.  The 'screensaver' is something easy and comfortable - perhaps that's the primary reason most of us, religious or not, settled down with it for. 

Try growing up

I was watching part of Chariots of Fire this evening and was quite amused by the passion driving two young men for the same purpose. And just before I stopped the movie for the day, was the following conversation.  The context is Abrahams looses to Eric Liddelle and he cannot reconcile himself to this fact.  He's speaking with his girlfriend Sybil.

Abrahams (in childish desperation): I just don't know what to do!
Sybil: Try growing up!

That really is quite a challenge one must offer oneself once in a while, especially when faced with failures and difficulties.  As it is said, the quality of a man is tested not when he is successful but what one does when faced with failures. 

Being Truthful Inspires

This morning our b'fast talk ran into the canonization process of Mother Teresa. Fr Balaswamy said that her canonization process is facing some hurdles given her writings that are being scrutinised now.  In some of these Mother Teresa is to have expressed her great challenge and difficulty of finding Jesus in her daily works.  The rest of us at table found that ridiculous.  I was of the opinion that since she was so truthful, I am better able to relate to her, than if she were to write some pious quotations while within she was being troubled.  Going by the objects being aired, it is perhaps easier for an actor or actress - or better still, professional liars - to be canonized fast and easy, for they would certainly have nothing that would go against this whole process surface anywhere anytime!

During my theological studies, I remember disagreeing with my Professor (that too in the examination hall!) on the point of the letter to the Corinthians by St Paul being the best of his letters. The reason I cited was that I personally prefer St Paul of the Galatians for the letter was written when he was all enraged and discouraged - yet the letter stays on course. The one to the Corinthians was written and dispatched at a more relaxed time.

To sum it all, it is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers.  

Negative Feelings or helpful feelings?

During the morning session, among the many things the animator of our course spoke, something that caught my attention was this:  We always wish to get rid of all our negative feelings, those things that indicate the deeper pain and hurt.  And the best part is that these negative aspects of our emotions shield us from real danger.  Aspects like anger, fear, sadness, pain ... are all aspects which are there to 'protect the psyche'.

The animator was saying that this is the curse of our 'drug culture', wherein we would like to do away with anything painful or hurting.  We really do not bother to go to the deeper issues which cause these feelings.  We are quite happy to clean up these feelings rather than address the causes that give rise to these feelings.  Worse is when we rationalise or spiritualize these aspects and shove them off the radar (or so we think!).  

Talking to myself

Concerning the incident that happened in the morning, I tried to see why is it that I got so angry? Was it totally and absolutely necessary?  Was there any residue of self that felt threatened or anything within me that got reflected on to the Brother?

Perhaps there was, but I did make sure that it was not purely that.  The same with the argument that I  entered into with the Brother in the afternoon.  Looking back, I realise, not all that he poured out was objective.  But I did give it a serious thought because it involved some truth.  

Strength of your word...

Here's a quote from the sermon I heard this morning:

The strength of your word lies in the depth of your silence. 

My interaction with the Brothers over the years has been very formative for me!  Over the years I've realised that I too have grown - perhaps more than those whom I'm supposed to 'form'.  During my early days of apostolate I was quite short-tempered - so am I even today.  However, the difference is that back then I would give vent to my anger then and there and blast the Brothers.  Today, I'm more prone to be silent and take an appropriate action only after I feel my heartbeat steady and my mind a little more relaxed.  Often a mere look suffices, where earlier I would let out a volley of remarks.  

Amazing ability

In the introduction to Jesus' Plan for a New World, Richard Rohr explains the inability of the apostles to understand Jesus' language when the latter speaks to them about the leaven of the Pharisees (Mark 8: 14-16).  He then uses a statement, reading which I could not stop laughing.

Aware of their amazing ability to miss the point... (emphasis added)

I can very well connect with Jesus' irritation and impatience... it happens quite often with me while taking class for the Brothers.  That quizzical look on the apostles faces would not have been very different from the one that my Brothers have at times. 

Learning the hard way

The hard dose that I administered for the final year students was showing its signs this morning as most of them were watching me but were careful to avoid eye contact. One of the most powerful impact of last night's events was the breaking point of one of them. He really felt he had it enough and would no more stand by his classmates for their lack of sincerity and commitment to the choice of this life. Listening to him pour out his anguish was like reliving my first and greatest shock on entry into the aspirantate at Gunadala. When I had entered the aspirantate straight from home, I had a truly utopian idea of 'seminarians' - looking back, I can now call it utopian, back then it was like 'how could it be anything otherwise'. Well, that taught me the first lesson of consecrated life: 'consecrated' life is only on paper. In reality, it is more of 'desecrated' life! Having gone through that painful experience and built on that, I was able to understand his anguish and frustration.

I hope he learns his lessons well and builds on that.

When humanity is endangered...

The inhuman treatment of the Jews through eviction from their homes, separation of families, torture, labour camps, death ... makes one wonder how a human being can stoop to such a bestial behaviour. The worst is that it was not of one person (Hitler alone), but so many who perpetuated it (the Nazis). There may be several reasons why each individual choose to be so and not stand up against a system of dehumanisation. Yet, the fact remains, a whole nation, a whole race was targetted and almost annihilated. And their only crime? Being born a Jew!

The same story continues, more or less, when security forces storm and destroy three villages on Dantewada, Orissa. Their crime? Being labelled Maoists. If this is how each one tries to settle and eliminate every threat, there would be no one left. Each action of one would eliminate some but give rise to more. Everytime a jawan is killed, there are several who are inspired by his bravery and hence willing to join the armed forces. So too, everytime an innocent tribal is tortured and dehumanised, there will be several who would join the Maoists, not for its ideals but as against the armed forces!

Understanding the Brother(s)

Sitting for the evaluation and sharing information and exchanging views of the Brothers offers very valuable insights into the way the Brothers behave in the community. Just one typical case: One is always very angry and at every moment tries the one-up man strategy all the time. He would pull everyone's leg, or rather shut up everyone by making some joke or mockery of those around. During our staff discussion I came to know that the Brother concerned has this in-built anger especially against his relatives who did not help the family in time of need. Given the fact that his father died of AIDS is a grave cause of embarrassment. Furthermore he hails from the 'lower-strata' of society (I'm sorry for using this phrase, but I do not have any other means of conveying what I mean) both economically and socially. Adding two and two, I guess his anger and outbursts to keep everyone around him 'silent' was basically a preemptive attempt to prevent anyone from talking these issues which are delicate for him. He would ensure that all are subdued when he is around, so that his skeletons in the cupboard may rest safe.

Well, I may be wrong myself, but now I'm able to see the various actions, words, behaviour pattern of the Brother in a different light, from a different perspective given these pieces of information. No wonder, formation is a collective effort. Hence the need for formators to have the communication channels among themselves open and clear.

Priesthood vs Priest craft

Fr Maliekal's sermon this morning was quite challenging: to decide between priesthood and priest craft. Most often the priestly garb - and life, as a whole - is 'utilised' for a purpose, mostly for something as silly and mean as a special chair during festivities, rather than lived truly... like the Pharisees and lawyers of today's Gospel... (Luke 11: 42-46) who are 'hurt' at Jesus' words and then Jesus rubs salt on to their wounds. Our vocation to religious life and Priesthood is something that is carried on our sleeves rather than in our heart. It goes to our head (literally) but does not come out in our words and acts of charity.

Appendix:
I like this passage because I very well understand the position of Jesus and that of the Pharisees and lawyers too, who are at the receiving end of Jesus' wrath. How and why? Just come to Kondadaba and you'll see it practically being enacted every other day!!

Emotions and responsibility

This morning I was discussing with my second year students about emotions and responsibility, in my Anthropology class. It was interesting to describe to them about the whole connection between morality, ethics and the choices we make based on our emotions and the actions that follow suit. They really dread my examples these days; for they are all from our life and living here in Kondadaba. Though not all of them agree or are convinced of the validity of the examples I use, they sure know that there is not denial of the fact of what is presented before them.

It was interesting also for me to explain to them the whole connection between emotions, choices and actions. Reflecting deeper, with them and later too, I realise very many of our own - my own - actions or habits are basically from the petty choices and decisions I make along the way. I really may not be directly and immediately responsible for the ultimate or the 'big' emotional outburst (of joy or anger) but I am responsible all the same ... simply because I've been making small choices every time I am emotionally charged and that has led me to this stage wherein when there is an emotional outburst, I cannot but decide any other way than in the line of choices I have been making all along.

Latent potency and my prodding

I had a harrowing day with the Brothers today... regarding their weekend ministry. I want them to go prepared with a plan for their ministry. They somehow resist this whole idea of planning and preparing. And I somehow do not want to see them throw away their talent and their potential for something so cheap as 3 hrs on a weekend. I want them to harness their capabilities for something they love. Furthermore it is precisely for their own future ministry that they need to get this process in place. Anyway, I'm happy I can shout and yell at them and still get them to come around. I do feel I've changed a lot in this aspect since Karunapuram days. I remember Brothers used to avoid me for days after a firing. Here I seem to have struck a cord with them and they understand that me being hard on them is for their benefit... though they try to wriggle out of that loop that I cast for them!!

On the whole, good guys... just need a little push!

Lessons in humility

The evening basketball game was a great lesson in knowing myself from the 'other's perspective. The game was on and was playing it slow for I did not want to further aggravate my knee injury. In the heat of the game suddenly Arun came upto me and softly said, "Brother anger doesn't suit you!" I instantly realised what he meant, for I was shouting at some of the smaller fellows to hold the ball properly and to pass correctly. Knowing that Arun was hinting at that shouting, I smiled. Instantly, he too smiled and said, "Yes, that looks great on you!"

I remember when we began playing basketball, I used to take time out after the game to coach a few smaller kids. Once my knees started giving me trouble I slowly stopped those 'coaching sessions' - if one may call them so. Of late when those very kids would join our game, I expected them to play as good as everyone else on the court (those who've been playing for years!). No wonder Chakkani does not want to play on my side... "You give half an hour of lecture for giving a wrong pass!" Well, thanks to Arun, for his 'word in the ear'. I'll keep in mind henceforth too. I feel good that some way or the other, young people teach me lessons.