Stages of growth and accompaniment

Last month we had a session on accompaniment, wherein Fr Raja spoke quite lucidly about the four different stages or levels of spiritual growth and the type of recommended accompaniment at each stage. The first stage is a very shallow level where individuals are basically self-centred and selfish.  Those at this stage need to be supported and encouraged to engage in an honest self-appraisal, rather than be endorsed or consoled! 

The next level of faith, is institutional.  Most of us fall under that category.  God is seen as external, formal, rigorous, legalistic and dogmatic. Accompaniment at this level is gentle, with a slight nudge towards internalisation and the next level. 

The third level is a more mature level, but hardly follows any order. This is perhaps the most unsettling stage for young people who find it difficult to balance the traditional faith inherited from their parents (second level) and the disconnect they feel within themselves to accepting this faith.  Hence the inner turmoil.  This is a stage where people tend to explore, not with the intent of rebellion but a genuine interest in deepening one's idea of God, spirituality and religion.  People herein seek logical answers to their queries; rather than magical rites. They tend to take ownership of their own faith. Accompanying them, one shouldn't push them to engage in traditional religious practices, which they often rebel against. They do not reject faith as such, but inherited faith. 

We keep shuffling between these three levels, never stuck at any one particular. Maturity lies in moving towards the third stage; and touching the fourth stage (mystical). 

The last stage is mystical, where interconnectedness is emphasised, community is valued greater than individuals, lack of answers and logic does not perturb much, and is perhaps a mix of the second (dogmatic) and the third (rational) stages. 

Listening to him, I asked myself: Are we as a Province (confreres put together) at the third stage of religious consciousness/spirituality; whereas the orientation of the accompaniment offered by the leadership is of the second stage!?? … our emphasis on the routines, rituals, dogmas, whereas individuals are undergoing a phase of faith-loss, and in the process of search for truth. That said, there are some clearly very much in stage one (self-centred and even anti-social).

Playing the victim

 I'm beginning to see that very many times, quite a few of us, prefer to wallow in pity and continue playing the victim, rather than get ourselves out of that situation and move on.  We'd prefer to keep the wounds fresh and painful, rather than get them healed. 

I guess it is a kind of adrenaline that keeps us going.  Perhaps because we are frightened that there'd be nothing else that will keep us active.  Or perhaps that there are other deeper and more serious wounds that these external wounds camouflage.  Or it could be that we just do not want to move on.  

Not sure if that's called maturity! But it certainly has much to do with it.  

To ask or take up help when offered (from competent and capable people); rather than act strong.

To accept, acknowledge that not everything is known to me; apparently, about myself! 

To get out of one's comfort zones... places, people, thoughts, words, discussions, ambience... that make me feel I'm ok, what I've said and done is right, without actually giving myself another re-look.  

Asking myself: what am I really afraid of? 

Formation and apostolate

What is the major difference between formation houses and houses of active apostolate?  Or in other words, between formation and apostolate?  

I know I'm splitting hairs.  I am also very aware and conscious of the fact that the two are not different or segregated.  Nonetheless, there is a difference.  There should be a difference.  

During the discussions about getting familiarised with the GC29 documents it occurred to me that perhaps one thing that distinguishes formation from active apostolate is the degree of accompaniment.  While formation is all about accompaniment, during the initial years of formation, the young Salesian is offered a greater possibility of being accompanied.  During apostolate in full-fledged active communities, the level of accompaniment is significantly lower.  Of course, no accompaniment at this stage is bad; the fact is that the luxury formation settings provide for the type of accompaniment offered is not possible in communities with multiple sectors and works.  

Blessed are those who realise that formation is all about accompaniment; helping the young Salesian personalise the formation process so that no matter where he goes or does, he makes that an opportunity for learning and growing.  Just like Don Bosco who did not treat his seminary years as years of formation;  his whole life, every incident, every achievement and failure; every task and challenge, he turned it into a formation experience!  

Grow as we go (Ben Platt)

You say there's so much you don't know You need to go and find yourself You say you'd rather be alone 'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else Ooh, who said it's true That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you I don't think you have to leave If to change is what you need You can change right next to me When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow And we'll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go You won't be the only one I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn I don't know how this river runs But I'd like the company through every twist and turn Ooh, who said it's true That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you You don't ever have to leave If to change is what you need You can change right next to me When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow And we'll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go I don't know who we'll become I can't promise it's not written in the stars But I believe that when it's done We're gonna see that it was better That we grew up together Tell me you don't wanna leave 'Cause if change is what you need You can change right next to me When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow We'll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go

Self-discovery vs Self-awareness

Today I realised there a difference between self-discovery and self-awareness.  Not that I really thought much about self-discovery in comparison to the latter, but I presumed that one is more or less the same.  

As a matter of fact, both self-discovery and self-awareness are related; although not the same. Self-discovery is more as of now, today, here and now; while self-awareness is forward looking, in as much as it is future oriented, not stuck with today. 

Self-discovery has much to do with facts and affects (feelings, emotions, moods); whereas, self-awareness helps one influence choices, relationship and a whole lot of stuff, when one moves beyond the facts and affects.  The latter leads to changes and is transformative; while the former is intellectual.  

Self-discovery answers the question: Why am I who I am? 

Self-awareness responds to: What am I now/later meant to be? 

Reflection on experience

Last week, while in Goa the emphasis of the workshop and meeting was on focusing on the impact of our work, rather than carrying out charity in old mode of merely doling out.  The effort (or rather, the demand of donors and benefactors) to show how our work would impact the society, rather than merely do some good is indeed a challenge.  

While not everything in life can be measured in terms of quantifying an impact, the stress on making every effort be geared towards an impact (long term wider and deeper process initiation) can never be discounted or disregarded. 

One tangible and necessary strategy of adapting an impact-focused effort is the personal discipline of REFLECTION on EXPERIENCE.  Everyday we undergo so much in life.  There are so many experiences we gain.  But unless and until we are willing to REFLECT on those - if not all, at least some, and that too seriously - we tend to miss out on a very valuable means of growth, of training, of formation! 

A sincere reflection, I believe, will lead me to make sensible CHOICES.  And a string of consistent and bold choices invariably lead to better CHARACTER.  

Spidey growth

My spider plant has done well over the year.  Given that it survived a month, in my absence - and others not noticing it drying up right at the entrance!

That was in October 2019

As of today (10 May 2020)

It was in May last year that I pinched a small twig of this from Farnborough house during my annual retreat there. It has been a joy to see it grow. 

Touch

Last night I drove Fr Sean to St Dunstan's Parish, Woking for the reconciliation service and confessions.  During the service the priest sharing a homily mentioned about the creation narrative and therein spoke of how God used his hands to create human being while the others came about by his mere word. 

It struck me for that difference never occurred to me before.  All the 5 days of creation mentioned in the Bible (Genesis), God is merely commanding and things appearing.  On the sixth day he 'fashions' man (and woman) from the earth with his own hands and then breathes his own breath into them. 

Reminded me of how important the feeling of touch is for us human beings.  It is that feeling of being touched, cradled, kissed and carried close to the bosom that actually nurtures human infants.  Those bereft of these basic forms of human contact tend to miss out a great bit of nourishing.  The baby knows by mere touch its own mother.  The crying infant calms down when its own mother holds it close to her heart - the child recognizing the heartbeat. 

Though the priest did not dwell much on this notion of touch (with him merely mentioning it only once), I find it odd that the whole English culture is averse to touch!  Generally people don't touch and don't like being touched.  I understand the whole area of personal space, respect for the body and the danger of sexual predators.  Nonetheless there is a sort of paranoia which isn't really helpful.  

Christian polygamy

The following is an extract from the parish (St Anne's, Chertsey) newsletter for the week, based on the reading of last Sunday's gospel about marriage.  Viewed from this perspective, religious ought to revere married people - not the other way round! 

Marriage is probably the most complex of human relationships and is certainly the one on which civilisation has been founded over the centuries. It is the most natural thing in the world for men and women to leave the safety of the family home and branch out with another partner to restart the whole process of love, companionship and procreation. 

But any married couple will tell you that if a marriage is to be successful then you have to get married to several different people! This is not a plea for divorce but for accepting that people change as they mature and that if a marriage is to be successful then both partners have to adapt to the changes in each other. In a certain sense each one has to keep “remarrying” the same person as he or she changes over the years. A Christian polygamy but with only one wife and one husband! 

The young love of the courting couple is beautiful but unlikely to stand the test of time if one of them thinks that the other is going to behave in the same way when he or she is forty, sixty or eighty. If we refuse to allow each other to develop and grow then we are guilty of trying to “infantilise” the other person. We are trying to freeze them at a moment of time, the wedding day, and prevent them from ever developing and expanding the embryonic gifts and personality that God has given them. 

All of this is just another way of saying that Christian marriage is not simply a state of life but is a sacrament. A wedding takes a day but a marriage takes a lifetime. The love between two Christians is a reflection of the love that God has for each of us and that Christ has for his bride, the Church. Being married means striving at all times to be signs to the world of God’s love through the way we love our partners. And that means “remarrying” them many times before we both grow old

Transposing this reflection to my religious life, I wonder at some of my students who are doing great in their active ministry now, how they have 'grown'.  One was so lazy or laid back, but now is a great pioneer.  Another was so mischievous that I was sure he'd never be entrusted with any serious responsibility; but today is multi-tasking several delicate and demanding portfolios.  So I ask myself, would they have been the same, had they been with me all along?  Would my continued presence with them have enabled them to 'flourish' as they are now actually doing. 

On the other hand, there are those whom I've worked with, or my own batchmates and colleagues.  My present impression about them is still the same one that I had or formed of them when we were students.  They surely have 'grown'; but have I - at least with regard to my view of them? 

The Kingdom of God

Both the first and the third reading of the day have plants and growth as their central theme.  It is all about seeds and plants and a detailed description of life/growth. 

One thing for sure about seeds and growth: they take their time to grow.  There is no rushing.  When the time is right, the seeds will sprout and it will take its own time to grow.  There is nothing called instant growth.  One can at the most speed up the growth by supplying the plant with all the required nutrients and water.  But even then there is nothing called, 'instant growth', like 'instant coffee' or fast food!

Secondly all of this growth is invisible to the naked eye.  Right since the germination, which usually takes place beneath the ground till the very end of the plant, it is slow and invisible process... nonetheless real and apparent. 

Two typical characteristics of the Kingdom of God: slow and invisible but sure and full of life!  

Directionless Growth?

Does growth involve direction?

If it does then come judgements, gradation, hierarchy, standards...
If not, then every change is growth. 

But the point in a spiritual journey is not where I should be but what path should I take. So when I realize that I am living a selfish narcissistic ego-centric life, I wish to grow out of it.  That does not mean that I will aim for a totally non-emotional impassionate existence.  Even if I do, and at some point of my life attain it, I will realize that this present state is also not really helpful.  The journey then begins again.  Most often we aim for the other extreme but find or strike a balance somewhere halfway.  Now at that moment of beginning the change, the 'growth', I do not have a definite idea of where that 'halfway' is.  All I have is an insight that the present state is not it! 

However, isn't that 'other extreme' a direction?  Perhaps in one sense but no different than reaching a place covered with thick fog, having a sort of momentary black out and then setting off in the 'opposite' direction.  Are you really sure that it is the opposite direction?

Perhaps in these moments it all boils down to what is it that is important for me.  

Being grateful

Today I received a short video in which I heard a Hindu sadhu speak of a book titled Five Questions for Champions by Ron Kurtus.  The author states that before going to bed one should ask oneself the following five questions:

1. What am I grateful for?
2. Where did I do a good job?
3. Where did I help somebody? 
4. What did I learn today? 
5. How did I take care of myself? 

Indeed a good recipe for a healthy and peaceful life.  Even just the first question itself (being grateful) is sufficient to help one see the positive side of life and become an optimist.  

Mortification

Words of St Ignatius, referred to by Pope Francis on mortification:

... to follow the Lord, mortification in all possible things helps.  If something helps you, do it.  But only if it helps you to be more free, not if it serves to show yourself how strong you are. 

Growth

Generation iKids

Here are extracts from an article which was featured in the complimentary magazine of The Times (25.03.2017).  Written by Ben Machell, it is titled 'Addicted! Generation iKids'

The world to a baby is pretty unpredictable, but these devices are so well crafted and intuitive that they deliver something to a baby that is reasonably predictable. It makes them feel like they have command over an environment that they generally don't have much control over... (emphasis added) (p. 22)

Adam Alter, a psychologist:

The problem with modern technology, he says, is not that it changes so quickly, but rather that it changes just slowly enough for us to not really notice the effect it's having (p. 23).  

Technology today has widened the possibility of 'probability'. Earlier, one had to be at home, in front of a TV set to watch a cartoon. Not anymore.  Moreover there were barriers built into the TV viewing. The cartoon programmes were interspersed with news, "stopping rules".

Only, these stopping rules are being deliberately, systematically destroyed by Zuckerberg and friends. Everything is now designed to be endless... a sort of auto-binge option that prevents you from having to make the decision to watch another (p. 23). 

Alter adds

The biggest issue with interaction is that you get feedback. And feedback is the engine of addiction.... if you have a device that gives them instant feedback all the time, that means they don't have to try very hard to get feedback from the world (p. 23).  

Perhaps the most serious danger:

...phones and tablets allow children to pass the time in a kind of mental holding pattern: not bored, but not engaged with the world around them either (p. 23).  

The article rightly places the onus of the responsibility on the parents.  If parents are all the time facing the phone, they're not going to be far behind.  One of the serious suggestions of the psychologists: avoid using phones and digital devices when with children.  The main reason: they deserve your time and full attention.  Do not keep yourselves or them distracted with phones and tablets!

The article also lists the opposing view, namely that research shows not much of a damage is done to the child's learning skill or mental functioning.  However, I personally see the sacrifice of the actual world for a virtual world, a huge threat to human civilization. 

Aspiration and ambition

Have been working on a paper trying to prove that addictions are more than just strong desires.  As part of the reading came across this particular difference.  (will cite the source when I remember!)

Aspiration is when we hope for a better tomorrow and use all our time, talent and resources to achieve it. It is about making life better. Most scientific discoveries that have benefited humankind are all results of aspiration. Ambition, on the other hand, is when we hope not only to be better than ourselves, but to be better than all others.

I came across this text in Harini Calamu's blog POV. Read the interesting text here.  In her blog post, the author cites the reasons for BJP coming to power.  She rightly proves what most know: The weakness of Congress and other parties is BJP's greatest strength! 

Dealing with success

From Markings, of Dag Hammarskjold...

To rejoice at success is not the same as to take credit for it.  To deny oneself the first is to be a hypocrite and a denier of life; to indulge oneself in the second is a pleasure for children which will keep them from growing up. 

Childrens' Day

Today in India we commemorate Childrens' day, in loving remembrance of our first prime minister, Shri Jawaharlal Nehru.  It is a day celebrated across the country and children are really excited about the day - besides the fact that it is a holiday from classes!

I also read of something similar in Japan through the following link on austraLasia 4199.  Though it is not exactly the same celebration which is actually held on May 5 in Japan but something akin.  It is called the Shichi-Go-San (7-5-3).  It is celebrated as rite of passage to middle childhood, an ancient ritual with roots in the Heian period (AD 794-1185) in the royal court.

austraLasia 4199

Waves

Fr Joyce, the Provincial of the Salesian Province of Bangalore, during his welcome words to the members of the major superiors of the Salesian Family, narrated a short story.

The small wave complained to the big waves that it was tired of life and fed up.  That the big waves were all the time dominating and gulping the smaller waves was its main point.  This grumbling went on for some time and when it had finished the big wave replied, "Big or small, we all are basically made up of water!"

Forgetting this reality would result in squabbles and misunderstandings and complaints and competition.  Awareness and acceptance of this essence will only aid in growth and peace.

Prejudices

The past few days have been a living example of how personal prejudices - deep and crooked - can be detrimental to any learning or growth.  When so jaundiced about someone whatever the person says or proposes is immediate attacked or thrown out without even a casual look. Ideas and words become stingers and they are thrashed out of one's views without battling an eyelid.

Basically I fear it is a sickness to think that we know it all and therefore there is nothing new to be learnt.  While claiming to know, we actually think we know it all; while in reality we hardly know it.  We proudly proclaim our love and attachment to what we hold dear... but I wonder how much of it do we really know, and understand, to say that 'I love it dearly!'

There is also a great fear of moving out of our comfort zones and trying out something new or different.  But when one is not even open to, leave alone try out, new possibilities and suggestions one is nailing one's own coffin!