Weight of the Cross

Every Wednesday and Friday of Lent, and in particular on Good Friday, as Christians, we partake in the traditional Way of the Cross. 

This particular tradition in the Church invites us to journey with Jesus, especially in his agony and pain of the last lap of his earthly journey, before being crucified and eventual death. 

Most often, we walk the WAY of the Cross.  This day I meditated rather on the WEIGHT of the Cross.  What is it that I say, do or be that adds to the WEIGHT of His Cross?   

Maundy Thursday mandate

The Maundy Thursday derives its name from the Latin word mandatum, meaning the same as in English today... a mandate, a command, an order.  

And that mandate is simple and direct: To serve, with love.  

Most preachers and thinkers split hairs to explain the significance of the day.  Some state (as prescribed by the Church teaching) that there are three significant events of the day: the institution of the Eucharist, the institution of the Priesthood and the washing of the feet.  Unfortunately, that is what they have each become: institutions!! 

Personally I believe, the focus and directive is clear: Serve everyone, with much love.  And this is not a new commandment or directive the Lord is offering us on Maundy Thursday.  This is what he spoke and did all his life!!  This was actually his mission. While the ultimate MISSION was to make known God's love, this love was explicated and made tangible in service. So the MISSION is to love; and the mission is to serve. But there is no duplicity or multiplication here.  They are one and the same!  That's the mandate: To serve, with love! 

Most of us, especially religious, including myself, tend to do the first part of this mission; but very often and mostly do not strive for the actual mission or the greater purpose of this mission, namely to love.  We serve, but fail to love sufficiently! 

Therefore it is important to see everything and all things from this perspective. That love is the ultimate mission of every Christian, especially of a religious.  Once that decision to genuinely love is made, service automatically follows.  Unfortunately, love cannot be taught. It is caught; it is felt; it is experienced!  

Sacrifice and purpose

Sacrifice or detachment without a purpose is like going to the beach and returning without even getting ones feet wet in the sea! Good, but not noble enough.  Having a purpose and higher motive ennobles the already good act of giving up something. Good to sacrifice, but let's not sacrifice the purpose! 

Giving up meals or meat or something favourite for the season of Lent, could be a health benefit but if one wishes to make it a Lenten special, it has to be linked to Jesus.  

Virtual walk

Two years ago I was happy to have joined the Student Cross Holy week walk from Ely to Walsingham. I didn't have a pair of walking shoes then.  But ordinary pair of shoes I had did not fail me. So after Easter that year, I bought myself a pair of walking shoes, of course, with the intent of using them the following year. Unfortunately there was no walk organised last Lent - thanks to Covid! So I had the shoes but no walk!!  

Well this year, during a meeting with the Catholic Society of the University, just before Ash Wednesday, they spoke of a virtual Camino walk as part of the Lenten practices.  My mind immediately went to the Student Cross that I'd been happy to join.  Well, when a door closes, a window opens!! So why not join this 'virtual' walk??  Will chip in with what I can, whenever I can! But I will! 

 For more details about the walk and the neighbourly intent behind this Camino walk, click here.

Giving up for giving

It is one thing to fast when one has plenty to eat and choose from and totally another when one has nothing to eat in the first place!  I think if we are to build up the triadic relationship with God, the other and myself, we need to graduate from merely 'giving up' to 'giving' - with a spiritual intent.  In that way, all three are involved: we are doing it for God, benefitting the neighbour or the needy and helping oneself too in this whole process. 

While 'giving up' has its merits, it is lesser than 'giving' because it ends up with me alone!  Or at the most God and me!  There could be a laissez faire effect wherein the needy benefit but when I decide to share with the other what I've denied myself, then the good reaches the other directly and instantly.  

Jesus' failure at Gethsemane

While commemorating the stations of the cross today, it struck me that Jesus for once failed as a teacher.  As an educator, I consider Jesus to be one of the best teachers in the world - for various reasons.  However, at the garden of Gethsemane, he fails in one particular aspect.  On Jesus' defence I could say that in the face of death, this is a very slight oversight. 

On reaching the garden Jesus tells his apostles to stay there while he goes a little further to pray.  Now this is night time and am sure after all the arrangements they made for the passover meal, and the meal itself, they are tired.  Naturally Jesus finds them asleep, all three times he comes to them.  But each time he wakes them up, he tells them to stay awake... but do what?  Now, any sensible and practical teacher should know this best. Merely telling the children in class to keep quiet, will not result in the children being silent for long.  Instead give them something to do, and one need not yell or tell them to be silent!  Jesus telling his apostles 'to be there' without actually telling them what to do, is like telling children in class, to keep quiet - which they immediately will, but soon out of boredom, invent their own ways of keeping busy! 

In defence of the apostles, one might say that they really did not know what is happening.  As Jews they knew the passover feast. But all this talk of Jesus during the meal, was way above their head!  Then this visit to the garden of Gethsemane, was an odd outing - in the night! Jesus had an inkling of his death, hence sleep eluded him.  The others actually had no clue of what was coming. The only one among the apostles who was actively up to something, was wide awake and busy - Judas.  

Life, death AND resurrection

The most evident facts are the ones most often overlooked!  Yesterday while speaking about the death of Jesus, I stated that Jesus' death alone does not signify anything unique in human history.  Suffering and death has been part of human history long before Jesus and still continues to be so.  There are several human beings who have endured great amount of suffering and even death, for far too long and intense periods than Jesus did.

However, what I totally missed and what's unique in Jesus' case is the resurrection.  So it is not just his death that signifies something unique or great. It is his whole life (beginning with his incarnation, something that happens for the first time) and his resurrection, that makes Jesus extra-special.

More than ever before, I recall today, this Good Friday, all those people who suffer for no crime or fault of theirs.  Yet endure the suffering with a courageous heart, for a purpose far greater than ordinary logical human comprehension.  

Death AND life

Most often we contemplate on the death of Jesus and treat that as a distinct aspect of his ministry here on Earth.  The Holy Week, and Good Friday, in particular is the typical commemoration of this.  While this has a great value in our Christian faith, it alone cannot be the essence of our faith. 

While the incarnation is something very peculiar and unique, the suffering and death of Jesus is not something unique.  No other religious tradition believes in God incarnating as a human being, living as a normal person and then dying like one.  That is something special in Christianity.  However, there were, and still are, people who suffer greatly like Jesus Christ.  Jesus' agony was mostly for three days.  There are people who have suffered for years.  Both physical and mental torture.  Very many died and continue to die after prolonged and intense suffering.  Therefore the suffering and death of Jesus alone does not set him apart from other human beings.  

Therefore the need to see his life and death as a whole unit, rather than amplify one at the cost of the other.  It is only then that we truly recognise the greatness of Jesus, as no other dimension of God and man. 

Simon of Cyrene, the epitome of (most) religious

Simon of Cyrene, who is roped in to help Jesus carry his cross, presents a glimpse of a particular personality type.  Most of us live this personality or this trait very often in our life - especially religious.

Simon is there on the scene by chance.  Or could be there by choice.  But him getting dragged in to assist Jesus is pure chance!  No way did he volunteer for it (doesn't look so).  The soldiers may have asked for volunteers to come forward.  Simon may have thought of volunteering.  Maybe he did.  Nonetheless, the point is this: He knew for certain that the cross was not his.  He was safe!  He only had a guest appearance!  Of this he was sure.  From the citadel of that certainty it is not very difficult to help Jesus!  With my securities in place, I lose nothing. So lending a helping hand to someone is fine. 

All he had to do was play the role for that intermediary period, till Golgotha or till the soldiers decide to let go of him.  No smart moves!  He didn't protest the persecution and the torture.  He wouldn't.  He was not seen or heard before.  He is not seen or heard after this event.  This is exactly the mission mode most religious happily engage in: doing good (occasionally or very often), but from within the comfort zones one wouldn't risk leaving.  But we are called - and we profess, in response - to be more than mere part-time charity doers or organisers.  We are meant to be the radicals.  We are called to be His disciples, all the time, everywhere, for all.  Even if it entails not being with Jesus on his way to Calvary - like John the Baptist - because, we have already walked that way!  

The Passion narrative and me

While reading the Palm Sunday gospel yesterday and today, I could not but notice the number of people involved in the event proper.  There are several characters who come in and leave in the life of Jesus, but in this episode alone, just the entry into Jerusalem and the events that unfold thereafter, there are a variety of people playing different roles.

There is the crowd itself that welcomes him today into Jerusalem.  Know not how many of them exactly knew what they were doing and saying as they praised and welcomed Jesus.  Just like another crowd that shouted 'Crucify him' before Pilate.  Most of them would certainly have heard of Jesus.  Although not all of them would know exactly what the praise or condemnation was for. 

Then, there are the apostles and the disciples around Jesus.  Peter stands out as the mascot or the representative of all those close to Jesus, but not close enough to stand up for him.  In the face of adversity, they crumble and retreat into their own securities.  Judas, on the other hand, feels he has no cover to hide under.  He seemed more plagued by guilt than Peter. 

Then there are the scribes, the elders, the Roman politicians - all seeking the 'common good'. They are all so caught up in the act of being leaders that they fail to question their real motives of framing Jesus.  Not all of them can be branded villains or evil.  They were only upholding the social order that they were taught all their life and what they truly felt called to protect.  Although some of them would have been schemers - not surprising, they were people in authority - the rest would have been honest men who felt responsible to maintain the existing order - social, political, religious. 

There is then Jesus himself.  Sometimes speaking, responding, challenging, but otherwise choosing to remain silent when he could have argued his way out.  He certainly knew how to use words and arguments to drive home his point.  I suppose, another Bible can be filled just with the thoughts running through his head from his intense meditative moments in Gethsemane until his last breath on the cross.  Oh, what would he have been thinking, especially at those moments he chooses to remain silent! 

Then there is me!  Re-imagining these scenes in my mind.  Sensing the pain of Jesus and in a way his resigned helplessness.  Reading or listening to this passage, knowing what the end is going to be, is not always easy.  Resurrection does not really come to mind and even if it does, offers little consolation - in the face of the ongoing agony and tension.  Then, suddenly there is a flash of light.  And my mind wanders trying to figure out, if that was caused by a car on the road or the one that turned into our cul-de-sac?  From there my mind goes on to remember that one of the car's battery is down and I need to tell the others to completely compress the clutch and the brake while turning on the ignition to get it started.  It takes a while to remind myself where I am and what I'm involved in. 

And the meditation continues. 

Lenten penance

Unlike years past, this Lent, I'm following a different strategy: doing something different everyday, rather than giving up something.  The past 10 days have been much of a success and a good enterprise.  Though, there have been a couple of days when I've totally forgotten, what I decided to do in the morning.  No matter how hard I tried to recollect my decision of the morning, I could not remember it at the end of the day - neither did I think/remember it during the day! 

Nonetheless, this procedure of constantly reminding myself of what to do for the day, is helping me do something concretely for others around me - my confreres and mostly my students.  Most of all, it is making me conscious of my own style of relationships and attitudes towards different aspects of life. 

Today's decision was to be kind to a couple of my students (names thought of in my mind) who are particularly getting on my nerves.  Succeeded with 2 of them, failed (quite badly) with a third one!  Well 2/3 is a good score!  At least I did make a conscious effort.  

Lenten fast

Only yesterday did I hear for the first time that many years ago, there was a stipulation as to how much to eat during Lent.  Though no one really counted, it was said that a person was to eat not more than 8 ounces for the full meal and two lighter meals not more than 6 ounces each. 

Just to get an idea of how much would 8 ounces weigh, we weighed an apple and it came to 7 ounces.  Two plantains together weighed 10 ounces!! 

Though this was not strictly measured, nonetheless it was a standard set out by the Church officials for meal quantities during Lent.  Then there were farmers and others who engaged in hard manual labour, who would approach the Parish priest for an exception to this limit rule! 

That certainly was some fasting! 

Why walk?

One of the questions I have been asking myself regarding the walk I'd done over the last week is whether it was worthwhile to physically feel so much as to jeopardize my participation in the Paschal liturgy meaningfully? 

When at times your legs are so aching that you cannot think of anything else, prayer and divine contemplation is not something that comes easily.  You are not interested in it at all.  All you want to do is get into a comfortable posture and relax.  Prayer and worship go out of the window.

On the other side, I noticed this peculiar phenomenon, not only about myself but about practically everyone in the group.  No matter how much we were tired individually, when there was a need for something to be seen to or done, there were always people ready and willing.  Not grudgingly but with a contagious enthusiasm. 

As for prayer and connecting with the Divine, I realised that feeling of being in pain was a great leveller.  None of us participating in the liturgy or even sitting quietly in the Church or on the pavement were any better or different from one another, and most importantly from the one whom we were trying to think about.  My tiredness and aches in themselves linked me with Jesus.  I was not thinking about Jesus or praying to Him, I was feeling like Him! Even for one attempting to widen the scope of meaning and language (as part of my PhD), to include feelings and desires, this 'realization' did not come easy.  

The meaninglessness of the cross

As part of the Student Cross walk we carried a 35 kg cross ahead of us all along the journey.  We took turns carrying it in 3s. 

Trying to gather in the 'harvest' of this pilgrimage that I undertook, I was wondering what role did the cross play in this whole episode.  Primarily it was I guess a re-enactment of the way of the cross Jesus was made to walk.  Then there is the witness value - people watching us know what exactly are we doing and who we are.  And then the whole idea of sharing in the suffering and pain of Jesus himself. 

However, what nags me about the whole cross was what we did after we reached our destination!  We literally abandoned it.  We propped it up against the wall and then on Saturday some of our group members decorated it with flowers - that's because it was part of the tradition.  So I'm asking myself, why did we carry the cross?  If it was witness value, we could very well do better than that.  Merely carrying the cross in that sense would be no better than a fashion show cake walk.  Just to show others.  But what use did others have of this 'show'? 

Linda, Melbin, Neetu, Lessly, George, David
Andrea, Saju and Sijo
with the decorated cross

Perhaps this inability to find the sense in the act of carrying the cross stems from a deeper question I've been asking myself:  What 'use' or help has this act of mine undertaking this physically tiring journey, has been to others?  Self-inflicted torture with apparently no benefit for anyone else... how meaningful and useful is that?  Is this truly a Christian expression of love and sacrifice?

Well I may be too close to the event itself, to really see the whole picture, but for now I'm letting the experience of the past week just sink in.  

Pilgrim walk

As part of the preparation for the 3-day pilgrim walk during the Holy Week, there is a long list of requirements and instructions issued.  I understand it has been something that has been formulated based of years of walking experience - or rather bad experiences! However, everytime I'm reminded of it by way of mail or through phone (from a couple of friends or confreres) I am a bit amused.  While all of them are concerned that things should not be too difficult or bad for a first-timer like me, I think taking all necessary precautions and carrying along all kinds of things, only takes the spirit out of the Holy Week walk. 

If Jesus were given all these instructions prior to his journey to Calvary, it would have been a different salvation story!  The way of the cross would not have been too tough a walk with a sleeping bag, anti-blister cream and plaster, bottle of hot water, comfortable walking shoes, necessary warm clothes for the journey, cash for evening refreshments, raincoat (in the eventuality of rain), one cap for the rain, another for the sun...!

Anyway look forward to this walk along with students.  

Lenten mornings

My meditation moments in the morning are perhaps the only 'Lenten practices' I'm having this season.  Compared to the liturgical and paraliturgical practices that abound our days and timetables back in India, here it is a moment of personalization.  That way, all those practices of piety for Lent I've been used to (and partially faithful to) all over the years have fallen off the radar!  Does that make me less of a Christian? Do I feel less like a Christian? I wouldn't claim that at no time have I felt a sense of guilt of having 'given up' Lent, for Lent!  But the feeling is only that I've given up certain ways of living and practicing Lent.  Does the 'new' way make me a better Christian?  Neither would I claim that! 

But one thing I certainly feel convinced about: personal luxury - be that of material things or of time - certainly does not really help in living a Christian life.  No wonder why Christian teaching is so much related and rooted in poverty.  So I basically keep asking myself what do I need to do, be or say, to love more.  To begin with at least let me not envy or grudge others around me.  I know that's not the ideal, but at least not receding (even if it means remaining stagnant for now), is better than falling back to ways and means of making myself feel good but not actually being and becoming more human!

Even though most of the times it is blabbering and often totally confused and distracted, morning meditation is perhaps the only thing most sensible I have as of now.  

Fasting

There can be several motives for fasting, especially during Lent. One could fast just because it is Lent. Or one could use Lent as an excuse and practice the long-delayed diet, in order to reduce weight – whatever additional benefit is a bonus! Or one could fast because of a spiritual dimension: partaking or preparing oneself to take part in the passion and death of Jesus. But there is another dimension that is often neglected or not always considered. One fasts so that someone else who does not have or cannot afford something as basic as food, can have some! The Christian faith is not something so private that it is only between God and me. Our faith demands of us a commitment and responsibility towards our neighbours – none excluded! And if my practices of piety connect solely God and me – or my neighbour and me alone – then it is lopsided. A true Christian spirituality would be an all-inclusive spirituality.

While each of these modes of fasting in Lent has some merit, I believe for fasting to be truly meritorious it has to have all these elements.

The marketplace: when good is bad

The gospel of the day witnesses Jesus driving out all those doing business in the temple and claiming the temple to be the presence of His Father (Jn 2: 13-25).

Honestly if Jesus were to take a moment to consider, he would not have been angry on those poor businessmen in the temple.  After all they were earning a livelihood, perhaps some more than what they should earn but still their livelihood.  Surely people coming from afar would not come with animals and birds for the sacrifice. Where on earth are they going to hunt and search for them. And unless they were sacrificed, how would they ever worship Yahweh.  Their whole visit to the temple would be futile.  So these businessmen selling doves and animals and offering exchange currency were just aiding the worship of believers.  They were doing good.  They meant no harm.  Not all of them would have been fleecing the devotees - at least no more than what happens everywhere! 

In our lives too this can happen: where worship in its existing form can actually prevent us from savouring God's presence.  What was initially meant to bring us close to God, and is still good, but actually leading us only to a perceived sense of sanctity and holiness rather than an experience of God.  We can very well "feel" holy while being far from being actually holy. 

Lent is a good time for us to review not just all our vices but our good actions and habits too and see how they help us in our journey towards God.  Most often, it is our good actions that prevent us from experiencing God rather than our vices.  

Feeling bad about doing good

This season of Lent so far has been a very nourishing time by way of reflection on my own relationship with God.  One of the most "haunting" thing that I've been meditating on these days is my own actions and their connection with my relationship with God. 

I grew up in a Catholic ambiance all through my life.  I was told by my parents, teachers, priests and religious that if I did 'this and this' it would show that I loved God.  All of these prescribed actions were good.  Going for Mass, doing penance doing Lent, being king and good to others, helping those in need, not being violent... Engaging in these activities meant that I loved God.  However, over the years I've discovered that merely doing all of these, while being beneficial, really did not help me know or come close to God!  I felt good about myself.  I was appreciated by others.  But within me it did not always help me develop my relationship with God.  Perhaps these activities had become an end in themselves. 

I slowly began to discover that if I inverse the equation: not, activities and therefore God but love God and from there flow activities, it was very liberating.  However, there is at times a sense of vacuum, a gap.  A time comes when you give up certain activities you have been doing all your life and are in the process of thinking what would flow from my personal relationship with God.  That gap period is a sort of uneasiness.  An uncomfortable phase.  You are no more doing the old activities that made you feel good. Neither do you want to do them because they really don't stem from your love for God but out of a habit, ending in itself.  Am I doing the right thing?? 

On the other hand, it is also a liberating feeling when you do things for love of God and not merely continue tradition to make oneself feel good - however good or noble they may be.  Perhaps that's the meaning of Lent being a season of spring, new life!

Go fishing

Reflection for April 21

After all that happened, the crucifixion, death and even the resurrection, the apostles go fishing! It really seems odd. But that is exactly how each of us live. We prefer to get back to what we are accustomed to, to that what we are comfortable with. However great an event or tragic a loss, the regularity we are used to offers a soothing balm. But imagine a scenario where the apostles had resumed their professional works, what they were used to three years prior, and never took up another mode of functioning…!

Yet the Lord once again challenges them. Calls them forth to carry on, without His physical presence, what they together did for three years. To be His witnesses. This is something the apostles are yet to fully learn. There is uncertainty and anxiety as to how it would unfold. Fishing is safer. Predictable. 

However, the apostles make that shift. They opt to move out of their comfort zones and preach the risen Christ. The first reading where Peter boldly asserts the source of healing the cripple goes on to show their full fledged immersion in the task of being witnesses. They are still fishing… but it is not fish they are after.

Even today, the Lord constantly challenges us to move out of our comfort zones. To explore more ways of being His witnesses than what we are routinely used to; feel contented with.