Inadequacy of words

 I personally prefer to spend time in silence while in the Chapel.  Words and long prayers really don't offer me much of help.  But in silence and personal conversation, I find peace and great meaning.  

There is only so much that words can express.  Emotions and feelings often are on another level. The inadequacy of words is apparent all the more when the words and text are of someone else. While prayers and words of someone else often has a supportive character, they fall short of always being personalised.  I am unique and so is my context and life.  Hence it is very very difficult to match that with someone somewhere sometime and his or her life and context.  Sometimes even my own words feel insufficient or even obstructive. 

The best is that silence which does not easily let one be idle!  Silence in prayer has a totally different aura about it and the impact it has on oneself. 

 

Silence and trust

St Joseph, among the many things he teaches, shows us the importance of silence. Because, in silence, one is open to listen... listen to His voice. 

And then have the humility and the TRUST that He will take care of things! 

Silence and Listening

The two words silent and listen have the exact same number of alphabet and the same alphabet too.  Just a different order.

Both are so related that one is not possible without the other.  In order to listen, we need to be silent.  And silence comes as a discipline of listening.  One does not exist without the other.  Either both are present together or both are absent.

And the best part is although it is a discipline, it is in letting go that one truly masters this art.  You win by letting go.  The more one forces oneself to achieve it, the more distant they seem.  Weird, but true.

Solitude

Being at home with the whole family, especially with the kids, is a totally different experience than being in a religious community.  The one thing that stands out is the passage of time.  Time just flies.  Moreover, nothing really serious can be done while at home. Especially with the kids around, not that the others are any better but still, I could never think of doing any serious reading or writing.  I just didn't!  It's another matter that I did not plan or want to.  Even if I did, I wouldn't have been able to.  The silence and solitude my room in Chertsey offers is something I cannot even dream about while at Aziz Nagar. 

The inverse of it is also equally true: Cannot really have all that fun and interaction I enjoyed while at Aziz Nagar, all by myself while being alone in my room in Chertsey.  Especially with my research the only objective ahead, I just need to make the most of this time and opportunity.  

Rendering meaning

The dilemma of whether to use or not to use language is such that even to express its 'murderous' nature, we use it.  An interesting article on the meaningfulness of greeting cards inspite of them using cliches or outdated phrases...

Clichéd statements such as ‘I love you’ and ‘Sorry for your loss’ call attention to this double futility: language always fails but it is impossible to remain silent. Nowhere is this clearer than in the sympathy card phrase ‘There are no words’. Though the statement is true, in order to be given meaning it must be expressed and, in doing so, is falsified. This axis of articulation and absence, of speaking and silence, is the dilemma that language continually re-presents.

[Source: Aeon]

The silent retreat

Four monks decided to meditate silently without speaking for two weeks. They began with enthusiasm and no one said a word the whole day.

By nightfall of the first day, the candle began to flicker and then went out. The first monk blurted out, "Oh, no! The candle is out." The second monk said, "Hey! We are not supposed to speak!" The third monk said in an irritated voice, "What is this? Why did you two break the silence?" The fourth monk smiled and said, "Wow! I'm the only one who hasn't spoken."

Reflection:
Each monk broke the silence for a different reason, each of which is a common stumbling block in our inner journey. The first monk got distracted by one aspect of his experience (the candle) and forgot what was more important - the practice of witnessing without reacting. The second monk was more worried about others following the rules than in actually practicing himself. The third monk let his anger towards the first two monks affect him. And the fourth monk lost his way because of pride. 

Why did the fourth monk speak at all? He could have simply maintained his silence and he would have been successful in his endeavor. But if he had, chances are, the other three might have continued to argue and not even noticed his silence. Some people are like this. Their motto is "If I'm doing something good, but no one notices, I might as well not be doing it at all." They believe that the reward is not in the effort, but in the recognition.

There is a beautiful quote, "It is the prudence​ of knowledge to speak; it is the privilege of wisdom to listen." As we learn to truly listen, witness and observe without impulsively reacting with distraction, judgement, anger and pride, then we understand the true meaning of silence. 

Wittgenstein and silence

Extracts from Paul Engelman, Letters from Ludwig Wittgenstein with a memoir, Oxford: Basil Blackwell, 1967, p. 97

For Wittgenstein

... what goes beyond the clearly empirical cannot be spoken of (whereof one cannot speak thereof one much remain silent), but this does not mean that what is unsayable is insignificant, or worthless. 
For the positivists what we can speak of is all that matters in life.  Whereas for Wittgenstein all that really matters in life, is precisely what we must be silent about.  

When he nevertheless takes immense pains to delimit the unimportant, it is not the coastline of that island which he is bent on surveying with multicolour accuracy, but the boundary of the ocean.  

On p. 121...

Wittgenstein account lays great stress, not on the features of the world itself, but on how it is viewed. 
He really does seem to hold the view that there is something outside language and outside the facts of the world which is of fundamental spiritual significance.
However propositions can only handle the humdrum states of affairs.  They cannot express 'what is higher'.  Words will only hold facts, just as Wittgenstein says, 'a teacup will only hold a teacup full of water even if I were to pour out a gallon over it'.  Expressing anything higher will only end up talking nonsense, but it is important nonsense (p. 121). 

Silence

Experiencing silence is akin to floating in outer space.  The legs which are so accustomed to supporting the body to be upright have nothing to stand on.  In normal circumstances, the hands 'kick in'.  When the feet are not able to find a hold, we start seeking support using our hands.  However there is nothing to hold on to.  It is something that makes us feel odd.  It is not something we are ready for or honestly long for - perhaps a rare brief moment is all that we ask for.

A moment of silence can be more educative than a large book or a lengthy discourse.  In silence, to learn is not to stabilise or gain control but to surrender.  It is a very humbling and enriching terrain and experience, but very few willing to learn first hand, leave alone explore.

Holy Saturday: Silence

Holy Saturday marks the death of God. The day is akin to an eerie silence that pervades all around us and everything is still. Bereft of all plans, all hopes, of everything we had, we stand still. Not sure what next. It is like Saul after he was blinded after his encounter with the Lord near Damascus. Utterly helpless. Not sure what the future holds. Not convinced of the past one has lived. Yet it is these days that mark the conversion of Saul to Paul. His introspection where he has nothing to claim his own or anything for sure is what paves the way for his transformation. Holy Saturday offers us the same tomb-experience. Of being silent. Of being still.

As Christians, we often kill this experience or brush past this opportunity for the silence is haunting. We prefer the sentimentality of Good Friday or the thrill of Easter Sunday. The stillness of Holy Saturday is too demanding. Yet one is challenged to live it. Imagine the state of the apostles, of Jesus' disciples, of Mother Mary. They did not have the assured guarantee of the Sunday resurrection. They lived through the Holy Saturday and therefore Easter meant more than Jesus' resurrection to them. It paved the way for their own transformation too.

Flame 2017

Yesterday I participated in the Flame 2017, a one-day prayer and worship organised by the Catholic Youth Ministry Federation of England and Wales.  It was held at the Wembley arena.  This is the first time I attended such a programme.  Fr Marco had invited me and I agreed thinking that it was some sort of a prayer service - in silence and in small group or something like that.

However, it was anything but what I initially imagined it to be. But on the whole I liked the concept and the attempt to get young people together in prayer and fellowship.  The best I liked about it was that it was not all about God and piety and some pious rituals.  It was centred around the support of the Catholic Church for the migrants and refugees.

While there was plenty of music and singing (rock and rap - that too quite loud!), drama, interviews, a couple of talks, there was also the concluding adoration service.  It was not more than half an hour, during which there was a moment of silence.  That silence was quite 'loud'!  Nearly 9000 young people in utter silence, praying was truly amazing.  However, I also realised that the silence was a bit 'stifling' in as much as youngsters would not have carried on for any longer than the duration it was!  There was naturally a more spontaneous and joyful participation in the singing and music than in the silence.  On the whole, it was good.

A gathering like this back in India would have solely focussed on the ritual and prayer.  There'd be plenty of talks - long ones at that.  It would certainly have been more pietistic.  I suppose that such a mode of prayer would not really appeal to youth of this generation in the West - at least not the majority.  Therefore little doses of everything is ideal - something better than nothing.  

Mind your own business

In Europe, people normally tend not to interfere with other people's affairs.  So on a train, one hardly notices the other person sitting beside - leave alone enter into a conversation or exchange pleasantries. In fact, even attempting to do the latter is considered impolite and rude! The rule of manners is summed up in 'mind your own business'.  The first time I heard this phrase during a lecture on manners, I felt a bit odd.  A bit offended, actually.  But I've now come to realize that the English really mean it. It really means a lot to them!

Back in India, if I were not to introduce myself to my new neighbours or greet them politely, I would be considered a prude or a sinister person with some secrets agenda.  If I were to do the same here, I would be intruding their private sphere!  So much so, even to reverse (even halfway) into someone's drive for some urgent reasons would be considered very bad manners, even lead to trespassing!

Perhaps this is also one of the reasons the library is so silent and everyone is lost in their own work.  Looking at the brighter side, I don't think this scenario will ever be possible in an Indian library!  (At least it never was during all my years of 'regimental' rule at Karunapuram or Kondadaba!)

Abraham's silence

In class today we discussed Soren Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling. At some point of our discussion on the point of faith, the professor subtly put in this point: When told about the destruction of Soddom and Gomorrah, Abraham 'negotiates' (bordering argument) with God, on behalf of the people.  But when Yahweh asks him to sacrifice Isaac, Abraham hardly asks a single question or possible alternatives.

Painting by Jan Lievens

Of course, standing where we stand today, at a historical distance, we can very comfortably speak of Abraham's choices and ways.  We may very well relegate it all to saying that it was merely a 'story' for our enlightenment or edification.  Yet to stand in his shoes and live those moments is something beyond anyone's possibility.  

Free time!

It is already the third Sunday of Advent. Gosh, time is flying! Don't remember doing or accomplishing much, or anything at all, during the past two weeks since Advent began. Fear the remaining two weeks also will not be very different.

I already began my term break and the Spring term commences in Jan. So I have a full month at my disposal.  Have a couple of assignments to be submitted by then. Have something to read in preparation for the term lectures too. Plan also to see a bit of London in the coming week, the Historical museum for sure.  Initially had thought of joining a temporary job for this month. But then have decided against it. Mostly because there are none available in the vicinity and even if there are, they look for more consistent and longer period applicants.

So by the end of the day, will draw up a schedule for myself for the coming month.  Sounds strange!  For the first time, I have one full month for nothing!! Have always craved for some 'free' time and here I am with a month of it and it is more frightening than with my hands full and overflowing.  

To say or not to say...

Having earned a respectable and dignified rapport with my boys of Ramanthapur, I'm now perceived by most as someone who really means what he says.  They like that and are very comfortable to say what they want to say to me too. In fact those whom I've challenged several times in the past are those who now come around and chat with me the most.  Those who merely bluff and are not keen about anything serious, I keep at a distance and that bugs them big time!

With the summer camp on, I'm beginning to see how different the boys from the other centres are.  Not that it is a generalisation, but there are some significant traits of boys from the other centres, not very prevalent here - and quite a few of them are not so healthy or beneficial for all.

The dilemma always is "to say or not to say!"  After all, I'm here for another two to three weeks and neither am I incharge of the camp, nor the dean of studies, but still...

Knowing well that most of the evil that exists in the world is not because of men who do bad things but because the majority who choose not to do anything, choose rather to remain silent and in doing so endorse the evil around them!

Found this nice statement somewhere...

When the battles came, we opted for nice.  We picked polite. We chose silence.  We didn't speak the truth.  We didn't stand up.  Not enough anyway. 

The Sound of Silence

Here's the original version of the song 'The Sound of Silence'... by Simon and Garfunkel...

... a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence. 

Interestingly it is said that this original version when released in 1964 did not make any news - so much so, it bombed so badly that the team split up.  Only two years later a revised version caught the attention of people and became a hit. 

Finding peace

There are times when I close myself in my room, seeking solitude and rest.  At times it helps, at times it only aggravates my disturbed mind.  And the other day as I was changing the page on the calendar, I read this quote (by Virginia Woolf) at the bottom of the page:

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

I guess she is right. Being an ostrich does not help, certainly not the ostrich itself! But I guess one does need moments of silence and being all by oneself to make some  sense of what is going on around me. However, it is also a matter of prudence, when to withdraw and when to charge headlong!

Deafening Silence

(While at Punganur...)

Last month I wrote a small playlet, for the Independence day. It was based on a short text I read somewhere. Never really knew the origin of it, till today. As I was preparing my class for the 10th standard students, the textbook opened up to this page where I found the same text with a short note about the origin of it.

Pastor Niemoeller, a resistance fighter, during the brutal Nazi regime of Hitler in Germany, observed an absence of protest, an uncanny silence amongst ordinary Germans in the face of brutal and organised crimes committed against people in the Nazi empire. He wrote movingly about this silence.

First they came for the Communists,
Well, I was not a Communist
So I said nothing. 

Then they came for the Social Democrats,
Well, I was not a Social Democrat
So I did nothing. 

Then they came for the trade unionists,
But I was not a trade unionist.
And then they came for the Jews,
But I was not a Jew – so I did little. 

Then when they came for me,
There was no one left who could stand up for me.

Peace

Peace, is often mistaken for absence of war and turmoil.  That's as good as saying there is silence in the graveyard. Peace actually comes when there is truth, justice and love.  It does not wipe away differences, or anxieties or troubles.  In fact, they abound... but the difference is that there is a certain balance and harmony in it all.  Even if there is chaos, there is growth and peace.

However, when there is no worthwhile value existing and everything is 'silent', that kind of peace is what cowards and fools crave for.  Without truth, justice and love, no peace is ever possible!

Passing through the darkness...

The life of the Saint of the day, St Ignatius of Loyola, reminded me of what I had earlier spoke of Saul turning to Paul. Like Saul, Ignatius too had the courage to go through the dark uncertainty and helplessness after his initial encounter with the Lord.  He did spend time in prayer and reflection before taking the plunge. His reading of The Imitation of Christ was only the trigger, so was his personal encounter with Jesus or Mary.  What really saw him take the bold step was his personal wrestling with God and his own conscience when everything seemed a blur, in the dark, silent spaces of his room or the monastery where he spent almost a year after his initial taste of the Lord.  

For that courage and patience of Ignatius, I salute him.  Not everyone of us has that amount of courage or patience, though each one of us has the great 'wow' moments in galore all our life! 

Saying prayers vs Praying

Another beautiful point that I purposely dwelt long enough during our discussions in the Brothers' Congress was the whole lacuna between practices of piety and prayer. I was in a way happy that before I could raise it up in the general assembly it featured in one of the group discussions and so I latched onto it.

The distinction is basically the whole crux of the problem.  The divide is so real and wide but one can easily miss it or deny it altogether. The fact that we say our prayers does not mean that we pray!  So how does one bridge this divide, I asked.  Some of the answers that came up on the floor were the following:

• a sincere and personal experience of Jesus
• reflective silence (something slowly evaporating from our Salesian houses and customs)
• rechecking our success indicators by which we grade ourselves and others
• re-evaluating our value system