Useless anxieties

Someone today asked me how I could be happy, when there is this pandemic wreaking havoc everywhere around me?  I did not respond since the one asking me was very emotionally disturbed and anxious.  But I said to myself, "Why not?  I am happy.  Not that I am unaware of the plight of people but that there is also so much goodness and life around me that I cannot be blind to.  More than happy, I am contended.  Contended that I am doing what I can, in spite of the luxurious life I live."

I am happy and contended to have a house to live in.  A comfortable and cosy house, with a large self contained room for myself.  Really lavish food everyday!  Food splendid enough to put the royal household to shame!  I have no requirement of mine lacking: clothes, footwear, gadgets, wifi and internet.  I have a homely community with whom I can interact everyday.  I have time at my disposal to use for what I think best.  No other serious commitments that leave me craving for spare time.  So what is there that I should be sad about?

In all honesty, I am doing the best I can given the present circumstances for those around who need help.  The only thing I don't do is, worry! Neither do I fear for what will come; if I will fall sick or something may happen.  For if that happens, then so be it.  I do not see any point in losing my peace of mind - and the ability to do some good - for what may happen later.

During Mass, after the 'Our Father' there is a beautiful prayer said by the priest:

Deliver us, Lord,
we pray, from every evil,
graciously grant peace in our days,
that, by the help of your mercy,
we may be always free from sin
and safe from all distress, and useless anxiety as we await the blessed hope
and the coming of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Fr Ronald Menezes, one of my former Rectors, used to add the highlighted phrase!  

Agonizing Uncertainty

This morning after breakfast I visited the neighbouring Sisters' convent and wished some of the nuns who knew me for quite some time.  I took some more time with those in the infirmary.  Invariably each of them would ask when are you coming back.  At first I was saying, "after three years" and then I could see their expression. I could see a sense of 'death' - that they would not be around that long!  For the next few whom I met in the infirmary, I told them I'd be gone "only for a year."

I guess at that stage of life when you know death is round the corner, any talk or promise of an extended period always makes them fear that they'd not make it to that time.  No one knows when one will die but that awareness of death coming around anytime soon, is no consolation - it is more agonizing.

Anyway, they were glad that I took time to visit them to inform that I'd be leaving.  I was happy too! 

anxiety!

... and just when I was telling myself that I need to stay positive and not be prejudiced, especially with the group in hand, I come across the following statement:

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow but empties today of its strength.

Another fact to add strength to this:

... that only 8% of what we worry about ever comes true?

I wish that what I worry about is not part of that 8%.

From Mark Twain

Here's a quote from Mark Twain, that I came across while reading something about him. (Just a fitting end to a grand day):

I've been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

We live in a world riddled with fear and anxiety. Most of our actions and decisions are based on imaginary consequences, mostly negative ones. Blessed are those who think positively and are able to see and do things for something rather than not or withold taking initiatives.

My fears and anxieties

As days are flying by I find myself fighting a tough battle with unknown forces and slaying anxieties I am not fully aware of! It is a very tricky situation that I find myself in at present. It has primarily - and everything - to do with the school. What I began as a pastime and an experiment is now proving to be a huge monster whom I find growing in multiples. The responsibilities related to that have double - if not tripled - over the last two weeks. The worst part of this however, is the 'anxiety' of its future. Whether at all it will be what we now envisage it to be, is my greatest fear. Had there been any assurance - and sincere involvement - from within the family, not even this thought would have crossed my mind, but with that assurance not forthcoming, I fear things may get complicated. However, as I had said earlier, not being sure of the future does not prevent me from being and doing the best I can for now. What the future holds is not for me to worry about, certainly not when it is totally out of my control and capacity.