Prayer and meaning - mismatch

 This particular thought occurred to me the first time when I was in the UK.  All of a sudden, when deeply engaged in reading the heavy philosophical texts as part of my study, it hit me that I was not really paying attention to what I was reading!  It was true that I wasn't distracted, or was not paying attention to the text I was reading, just that my mind was simultaneously busy with something else. 

I could conveniently read a text and still be gladly letting my mind think of something else altogether, without breaking the flow of reading. I tried if reading aloud helped me concentrate on the text, rather than let my mind be on something else and surprisingly I found that it was easier that silent reading!! 

I couldn't get my mind around this strange phenomenon that I noticed in myself and tried to see how and where could I have picked up this habit of disconnecting my eyes, mouth and mind! I soon found the source: during prayer! One day, sooner than later, it struck me that I was praying the breviary, the psalms, but my mind was elsewhere.  That's when it hit me that over the years, I've learnt to think of something totally unrelated to what I am reading - thanks to my community prayer moments!  I can confidently, in a loud and clear voice, read the psalms from the breviary, all the while thinking about my office work or plan a budget!  

Over the years I've tried to break this unhealthy habit, but with no success. I realise I've deeply imbibed it unconsciously, perhaps. 

Thunder and lightening

 In our Salesian religious communities, the common community prayer moments are a dynamic in themselves.  Often they inadvertently reflect the level of community relationship and the vibe. 

In most communities, after the initial days of new members joining and the people getting used to one another, fall into sync in a couple of weeks.  The prayers, usually recited in two choirs, have their own rhythm and there is some sort of semblance, in most places.  

Nonetheless, there are some communities where there is always an orchestra on!  The prayer, even though recited, is in two voices!  There is sometimes one or two who are out of sync in their speed, if not in the words themselves.  Either someone recites so fast that by the time one is halfway through the verse, the other has ended the verse.  Or someone is so slow, that no matter how slow you recite, the other will still be slower!  Akin to thunder and lightening - never together, always one after the other! 

Some confreres have no clue or intention of modulating their voice as per the size of the group.  No matter how many in the Chapel, their volume is set. There are a select few who have a peculiar tone of ending the prayer or the verse; and some cartoons like me are more attuned to these handful of individuals and their comical sounds, drawing amusement from paying closer attention to these, than to God himself. 

Then there are those who pray so loudly that the one sitting next to them is the only one who can hear them - not sure if God himself is able to!  Worse is when such individuals make an intercessory prayer. The rest of the community either does not hear what he says or cannot follow what or whom he prayed for.  So invariably there is silence after he has concluded the prayer - unless the one sitting beside him (the only one for whom, something is audible), starts the common response, 'Lord, hear our prayer!'. And someone mockingly does not resist from responding, 'Lord, hear HIS prayer!'

At times, there are those who start a prayer, but in the news-reading mode.  More than a prayer, it is an update on the event or the person; and by the time he has concluded his lengthy prayer, even God would be confused as to what exactly to grant him, as per the request.  

Ronald Menezes SDB

 Today is the death anniversary of Fr Ronald Menezes, a Salesian Priest from Mumbai.  I was in the same community as he in the year 2003 at Matunga.  I was a student then, studying outside the community or the Salesian educational institutions.  

I remember him for his gentle ways of keeping all of us in the community together.  He was a hard worker and expected everyone also to contribute their mite in keeping the works going on smoothly. One of his most striking features was his enthusiasm. He was always optimistic and enthused about life.  That was really contagious.  Be it among the confreres, the school teachers, people who came to the Shrine, or even the boys in the campus. 

He was always present in his rectors office which was in the school building.  Every school day morning, he would be at the entrance of the primary section greeting children and parents - always in his cassock.  He was such a familiar figure among the tiny tots that one day one of them walked up to him and said, 'Your mummy is at the gate!' Ronnie was shocked.  (His parents were long deceased). Looking at his face the boy realised that he didn't believe him. So the little one took Ronnie's hand and dragged him to the entrance.  And whom does Ronnie see there?  A nun, in a habit!  The little one had linked the 'matching clothes' and figured out that the one in the habit would be the mother of the one in a cassock!

I most appreciated his love and care of the boarders.  We then had nearly 60 boys with us in the Matunga boarding.  And he knew each of the boys, their family background and their strengths and weaknesses.  It was he who warmly exhorted us, three Brothers, to visit the homes of the boys during the holidays.  We went grudgingly.  But that one visit to the homes of the boys, made a big difference for our relationship with the boys.  When the boys returned to the boarding, most of them had a totally different outlook towards us.  They saw us Brothers as friends and relatives, who knew their families, their homes, their real living condition.  They didn't have to put on masks because we knew their real condition, and didn't treat them any different or less because of that.  

Ronnie was also very good in relating to people and roping them in to assist in the various works of the boarding or school.  He was keen that we three Brothers meet him every month.  And he was keen that we keep him abreast of our reading material and progress.  I think that was because he himself was an avid reader.  It was evident from his sermons and reflections.  

Anyway, I was blessed to have him as the Rector of the community when I was in Matunga.  And today, I thank God for him, in a special way.  

Stories and intelligence

 

Reading

At times there's so much of negativity around that I too feel cramped and agitated.  But from experience I also am well aware that it is not the negativity without that makes me feel so.  It is only that from within that can really affect me.  So I ask myself why is it that I feel so from within?  

One definite reason is my lack of reading.  Of late, my reading time and range has fallen - fallen abysmally!  That workload has increased is true. So has the diversity of works.  But that's only an excuse. The biggest challenge now is WHAT to read!  There's no dearth of reading material, but what is it that I need to pick up.  If I take up something related to my work, I'm still "working", not really relishing the work.  It is as if I'm forcing myself to get the job done, rather than see it as some good done.  

Nonetheless, need to start.  

Mindless reading

Of late I've begun to realize that first time reading does not really lay out the meaning of what I'm reading.  Worse if it is a dense philosophical text.  Not that I haven't read it properly or that the text is totally new.  Just that after doing the reading, nothing sticks to the mind. 

I'd attribute this flaw in reading to our daily recital of morning prayers! Over the years, praying those psalms and canticles, without paying any attention to what those words mean has now turned into a kind of habit which applies to all and any reading - mindless reading!  On the other hand, the scripture passages in the same morning prayers are the basis of my meditation.  So somehow, they evoke thought and reflection - eve if at times they are not read by me, but by someone else.  Even this very thought came to my mind, while 'reading - mindlessly - the prayers' a couple of days ago!

So there is some hope! Not all is lost! 

Reading sentence

Came across the following article this morning:  A judge 'sentencing' a bunch of kids with a 'reading list' rather than a normal custodial sentence.

Graffiti punished by reading

The sentence I gave was harsher than what they would normally have received. Normally it would just be probation which would mean checking in with a probation officer once a month and maybe a few hours of community service and writing a letter to say sorry. Here they had to write 12 assignments and a 3,500-word essay on racial hatred and symbols in the context of what they'd done… It was a lot of work. (Alejandra Rueda, the judge, who drew up the list of 35 books). 

Children learn fast.  And depending on what they are taught, they become that!  Teach them to share and care, to value life and respect everyone, they become exactly that.  And teaching does not mean a classroom mode of lecture.  It is about helping them learn and form convictions for life.

And here's a list of the 12 (of the 35) books the teenagers were told to read and write about, one per month:

1. Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe
2. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou
3. The Tortilla Curtain - T C Boyle
4. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. 12 Years a Slave - Solomon Northup
7. The Crucible - Arthur Miller
8. Cry the Beloved Country - Alan Paton
9. My Name is Asher Lev - Chaim Potok
10. Exodus - Leon Uris
11. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
12. Night - Elie Wiesel

Feel a bit guilty and ashamed to state that I've read only 2 of these!  

A reading culture

One of the good things of UK that I've noticed over the past couple of months is the willingness and zeal to read.  In a way the sense of reading and gaining information is very much part of the culture.  Perhaps the presence of community libraries in most city centres has much do with this or at least reflects this.  I'm told that not all cities have these common libraries, but most do.  These libraries are places of social gathering and sharing of knowledge.  Of course, in today's internet era, these may seem a bit obsolete, but imagine their value and worth about 50 years ago.  For any person interested in reading and learning, these libraries provided an excellent opportunity to get information and knowledge.  In earlier days when school was all most could afford or in the absence of universities, these libraries became centres of learning.

Leading to reflection; not description

Am surprised at the writing style of Nietzsche... short paragraphs of just three to four sentences.  Often, there is not much of a connection between one para and the following one, given the fact that they have all been collated from over the years and arranged.

Then there is Wittgenstein, again, short pieces.  Not lengthy pages after pages with neither breaks nor even sub-headings.  See his Philosophical Investigations.  They are preferably referred to by their paragraph numbers than page numbers.

The beauty of such short texts is that they leave much room for reflection.  They do not have everything said and done in as detailed manner as possible. They merely throw you a point and then rattle your brain.  Put you on a different track of thought. Throw you off guard.  They are open-ended.  Can be interpreted in different, divergent ways.

I wonder if at all they were trying to build up a system of philosophy? More than the Nietzsche, I can hardly make sense that Wittgenstein wanted to build another system of philosophy.  His attempt seems more like what or how philosophy should done - if at all one is to do such a thing called 'philosophy'.

Another writer with a similar writing style, whom I've found interesting and leading to reflection, is Anthony DeMello.  Short texts, laden with meaning and open to interpretation. 

Tug of war

Spending immense amount of time these days reading Husserl and the like, don't feel the winter cold much!  After repeated readings of his own works and that of others about topics he dealt with, I see the point he is trying to make.  The utter comedy of the whole episode is that, he states exactly what I have in mind: reworking philosophy on the founding principles of the early Greek thinkers. The difference however is that he has somehow managed to list out how to and I'm still wondering what is he saying - leave alone what I want to say!

I earlier thought there were two spheres of understanding and operation: the one that we occupy when speaking about religion, faith, and belief and the other, the actual mundane reality of today.  The attempt then was to bridge the divide.  Talk of faith and belief made life so 'smooth' or 'defined'. But life in reality with all its confusions and complexities seem to be anything but what faith says it is, or should be.

Now I realize a third dimension to my world: that of abstract thinking.  As if grounding pious thought was not enough, this highly intellectual stuff is sapping energy!  Worst is this feeling that in the name of making the life-world tangible and substantial (as per Husserl), this does exactly the opposite!  Feel torn apart between keeping my feet on the ground and be of some little help to at least someone, and soaring the heights to change principles that affect a large population.

(Statutory warning: If this post sounds 'heavy', you know whom to blame!)

Truth claims

Have been reading, wrestling - and to a great extent understanding - Richard Rorty this whole day.  I liked particularly one thing that he is quite strong about: the craze for claiming to 'know it all' and thereby the pedestal of authority one sets oneself on.  Pre-Enlightenment era, religion did it and since then it is science which has been seen as 'the authority'.  So he basically calls for a 'conversation', a discussion, rather than a 'race to solve problems'. And that he says is what philosophy should be doing; not establishing 'another order of truth and knowledge'.

This makes sense, especially in the field of education and reminds me of the following quote of Albert Einstein:

Have been jotting down very many thoughts and ideas these days to complete an assignment on Rorty.  As I almost finished re-reading his book Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature, I find myself laughing, that initially when I began reading the book, I wanted to throw it out of the window - luckily it is only the pdf version and I certainly do not wish to part with my laptop! And now here I am, taking notes and making my own notes of the same book, with great zeal.  

Making sense

Digging deep into Rorty for the past couple of days. Here's a quote from his book Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature wherein he recalls T.S. Kuhn and his take on science.  The context is the distinction he makes between 'normal' science and 'revolutionary science'.

When reading the works of an important thinker, look first for the apparent absurdities in the text and ask yourself how a sensible person could have written them. When you find an answer, .... when these passages make sense, then you may find that more central passages, ones you previously thought you understood, have changed their meaning. 

Makes sense. But certainly not when you are in that 'un-understandable phase of reading'!  

Wrestling Hegel

After grappling with Hegel for one full day - or to be precise, the first three chapters of his book, The Phenomenology of the Spirit, - I still am not sure if I've anything at all of Hegel.  In all earnestness I began the day reading the text of Hegel - the translation, actually (from German to English).  Did not make any progress.  I then realized I needed something of a key to first understand what is he saying and then read the original.  I spent the rest of the morning searching for such a text.

I finally find one that made some sense only by supper time - the one by Robert Stern.  So after supper when I began to read it, I just continued reading. It was a smooth flow.  Cannot say with certainty that it offered the best explanation or translation of Hegel.  Perhaps the previously read texts prepared me for this.  Anyway, it was good reading.  It was late into the night that I "finished" reading the first three chapters.  I revised and felt that I'd now a fairly good idea of what Hegel intended to say.  However, an attempt to read the actual translation was too much at that time of the day/night.

This morning I took up another commentary on Hegel, this time the Terry Pinkard book.  Gosh, confusion abounding. Understanding itself was difficult.  What was worse was that those parts I 'thought' I understood, negated or contradicted the exposition of Stern!!

And what is Hegel saying?
We are not 'metaphysical representers' of the world but organisms engaged in historically mediated social practices.  ... not subjects representing but participating in social practices...!

Anyway, too much jargon.  I'm sure Hegel himself would be smiling in his grave - if at all he had one!

First Impressions while in London

My first blog post from my new community in London!

I arrived here in London day before yesterday after a rather smooth flight from Hyderabad via Mumbai. After landing and clearing the immigration check, I was received by Fr John Dickson, the Rector of the Salesian Community which I am part of.  He has been very supportive and helpful for the last few months, ever since I started the procedure of applying at Royal Holloway, University of London.

Here are my first impressions of the place:

1. Lovely greenery!  The location of my university and the Salesian residence is just beautiful. Makes me feel as though am living in one of those picture postcards or desktop backgrounds! 
2. The house is very simple but beautiful. The college building is majestic and splendid (more of it later).
3. Fr John and the University staff were generous in their help and assistance.  Coming from India where the general apathy of government offices and staff is well known, it was a pleasant surprise for me that I was given full and detailed instructions and support at every counter or office that I went to.  Not only me but every one who approached the support staff received the same warm supportive assistance.  Fr John has indeed been extremely helpful. 
4. On the first day itself, I visited the college chapel and a couple of other offices along with Fr John.  First thing that struck me was that each room - yes, each room - had a collection of books.  Even the sacristy of the college had a rack of books.  Even in my room there are books (left behind by the former occupant).  Each of these places had books about every topic.  So they were not merely for specific utility but even of a wide range. I gather that here people read...  and read a lot!  

There's lot more... but in due time.

Reading habits (2)

While reading the book Don Bosco in Mangalore (by Philomena D'Souza), I became aware of the great impact literature has on one's life choices.  More than the physical presence of Salesians (which was totally absent till as late as 1997), it was the presence of literature from the Salesian publications that impacted the lives of the Mangalorean Catholic community.  Specially the Salesian Bulletin, Don Bosco's Madonna and the life of Don Bosco.

Though many contest that the age of printed text has ended, it is still very much in vogue. Digital media does indeed have a wider reach but that's not my real point. I actual wonder how many actually read!?  And even if they do read, what is it that we read (the content, type and length)?

When I was a student of philosophy (early on), there was a craze for reading novels.  I practically read all the novels of the library of Yercaud and Nashik.  (Those in Nashik would be read even before they were classified and put on the racks in the library, first by Christopher and then me).  That is besides the usual books and articles we were to read for our studies and term papers.  Some of my companions would grudge even borrowing a book.  Most however would read the newspapers for sure.

Later, during my practical training, there would hardly be any of my students found reading the newspaper... leave alone read books. They would surely borrow books from the library only to read the pages where the word of their topic (for assignment and term papers) appears, nothing more everything less!

Today I know for sure most confreres read nothing more than whatsapp messages - that too sent by non-Salesians.  Most Salesians are too lazy to write - even whatsapp messages!

Reading habits

I just finished reading the book Don Bosco in Mangalore: Before the Arrival of the Salesians by Sr Philomena D'Souza (the book launch of which was held last month end in Bangalore).

Was happy to read it for it offered me great insights into my own background.  Though of Mangalorean descent was never very familiar with my faith 'roots'.  The book offered quite a bit of history of the Mangalorean Catholic community.

However what appealed to me most was the spirit of youthfulness that was guided by the Priests and other youth clubs of the mid 1900 around Mangalore.  Inspired by Don Bosco's style and grace, these youth clubs were proposed, guided and organised by non-Salesians (Salesians had still not arrived on the scene - not till 1997. By then the zenith of the 'salesian' spirit was long past!).  I'm listing below some of the truly profound - yet simple - lines of action of a youth club established in 1967, on the model of a couple of others existing already:

• monthly meetings to enhance exchange of ideas, plan, discuss and decide;
• library and reading room to inculcate good reading habits;
• organising drama and musical performances in Konkani and other languages;
• organising spiritual retreats and the study of Sacred Scripture;
• inviting resource persons to give talks on various relevant issues;
• felicitating people who have shown exceptional achievement or given exceptional contribution to society. (page 81)

I wonder how come the present generation has lost its passion for reading.  Earlier children would long to go to school. Now they detest going to school and studies itself!  Reading rooms and libraries!!!  Wow.  

Involved reading...

Fr Jose Mathew, while animating the discussion on different documents, asked the participants to do an 'involved reading' of the text. Read slowly, mark important sections, write down any questions, clarifications, try to see connections and all that.  Quite a few of the participants were amused about this.

I guess this whole process of reading itself is that:  involved.  Of course, one can also speak of it as opposed to cursory glance.  I also guess he must have picked it up during his teaching experience, wherein unless told to do so, the students would 'read' but know nothing about the text!!  That's because they have 'read' - run their eyes over the printed letters - but not really read.  

Reading, reflecting and writing

Since Monday I was at the PIME study house at Trimulgherry, Secunderabad for a three day animation programme for their 19 students.  It was a good refresher time for me.  While at their study house, I got to meet their three formators.  One meal time, one of them was sharing something what youngsters in Brazil were asking him long ago.  "Why are there only four gospels?  Why didn't the other eight write too?  It is so boring to read the same stuff over and over again!"

Well, on the one hand, some youngsters were aware of the 'other' gospels and were keen to study them for a different version of Jesus and His times.  They were keen to know all possible dimensions of this person named Jesus.

Some wanted to know why the others were so dumb or dull so as to not leave behind such a rich legacy which they were fortunate to be part of.  (of course, they forget that some of them were illiterate and certainly not writers!).

Gets me thinking, how many of us spend time thinking, reflecting and ruminating and then what?  Nothing for others to even read or 'chew' in their free time?  At least does it improve one's own quality of life, so that even if one does not literally write something, at least one's own life becomes an open book for others to read and be inspired by.  

To get oneself to the desk to write something, one ought to have something to write about. At least this is how I forced myself to write: in order to read and continually reflect!

Addicted to Tom Sawyer, getting the fence painted!

My first taste of reading was quite addictive... thanks to Enid Blyton and the Famous Five series. When I exhausted them in the Parish library, I widened my reading.  But soon I joined the aspirantate at Gunadala and that's where I got hold of Tom Sawyer and Huck!!  That really was some reading. And if I began to jot down some salient points from my reading, it was thanks to Mark Twain and the library system of that time.

You see, we could not borrow books more than two at a time and that too for two weeks only. But there was Tom Sawyer and particularly that episode of him painting the fence - or rather getting the fence paited... I just couldn't stop reading and re-reading that over and over again.  By the end of the week I had to return the book.  But I still wasn't satisfactorily finished reading that section... so?  Simple! I wrote that down in my favourite diary, so that I could read it any number of times, anytime without having the original book.