My goodnight thought to the Brothers this evening was a very personal sharing. Continuing my reflection from a particular point that struck me during the Brothers' Congress and upon which I did dwell most of the time during my retreat last week, I asked myself (or continue to ask myself):
After a sincere self-examination, I feel that I am not ready to be one. Much less, do I have the will to be one. Worse still, I try to stay away from being or becoming a holy person. Well, I do like to pray a while, do some charity once in a way, fulfill my duties most of the time... and all the rest of the good things, but am not very sure if I really really want to be a Man of God, in entirety, in its truly and complete sense!
Perhaps the acid test of this endeavour is the point where I ask myself: Do I wish to see those with whom I live, especially my students, be Saints? Good priests, may be. Efficient organizers may be. Obedient and faithful devotees, may be. But that one level higher than these?
I am beginning to ask if I'm striving after the 'reflectors of light' (all good and noble) but not the source of light itself?
Do I will to be holy? Am I ashamed or hesitant about being a saint?
After a sincere self-examination, I feel that I am not ready to be one. Much less, do I have the will to be one. Worse still, I try to stay away from being or becoming a holy person. Well, I do like to pray a while, do some charity once in a way, fulfill my duties most of the time... and all the rest of the good things, but am not very sure if I really really want to be a Man of God, in entirety, in its truly and complete sense!
Perhaps the acid test of this endeavour is the point where I ask myself: Do I wish to see those with whom I live, especially my students, be Saints? Good priests, may be. Efficient organizers may be. Obedient and faithful devotees, may be. But that one level higher than these?
I am beginning to ask if I'm striving after the 'reflectors of light' (all good and noble) but not the source of light itself?
Casa, it somehow strikes me as putting the cart before the horse. Why do "you" bother about 'wanting' or 'willing' to be holy? What Ramana says is perfect-- Who are you? Almost everything dissolves there.
ReplyDeleteAnd as you say somewhere hereabouts, the terms are not ours ultimately. God comes, as and when and how he/she/it pleases. All we can do is try to be available.
I am reading this post again and this time, what strikes me is the matter of unwillingness, which I share. And why?
ReplyDeleteWhen I am called to be a child of god and to become part of god, why am I unwilling very often? Because I sense that it requires relinquishing everything that I construe as myself. A total loss of my minuscule "me" as I have come to identify it. Never mind, the promise of losing oneself to find it in him. And so, the settling for less.
Which brings me back to Ramana. Who is the me that I cling to so desperately?
Perfect love casts out fear. So does that mean I do not love enough? Or that I do not trust his love enough even after J stakes his life on it. Tragic. When will i ever learn!!