When I heard the gospel this morning, it sounded as if it was meant for me - a bit scary! The gospel about the talents, the servants and the king. The one who received five made five more; the one with two made two more. The one with only one hid it and faced the wrath of the master.
When I had a hundred and one things to do, I did them all well - at least, I think so. Even when I had less of pressure, I still found things to do - and did them all pretty well. Now that I have only one thing to do, I'm wondering what I'm doing.
Is it the fear of what the outcome is going to be? Is it that I may not reach up to the expectations of others? But who 'others'? All those who know me, love and care about me, anyhow. They are not looking for results to love me better. And there is no competition as such either, that I need to strive for! Lethargy, may be. But why?
When I had a hundred and one things to do, I did them all well - at least, I think so. Even when I had less of pressure, I still found things to do - and did them all pretty well. Now that I have only one thing to do, I'm wondering what I'm doing.
Is it the fear of what the outcome is going to be? Is it that I may not reach up to the expectations of others? But who 'others'? All those who know me, love and care about me, anyhow. They are not looking for results to love me better. And there is no competition as such either, that I need to strive for! Lethargy, may be. But why?
One of those anxiety-producing paradoxes in the gospels. I also was so bothered about this parable that I actually mentioned it in my counselling.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons that this story fosters anxiety is that it is the opposite of the prodigal son. The relationship is servant and master. Not father and son. Of power, not love. Of being put to the test and failing. And the very serious consequences of failing. So no matter whether the "others" love us or value us for what we are, this story tells us that it's what we do that counts. A natural justice perhaps but perfectionism seems an understandable outcome then. And the treadmill of anxiety because the master's favour is only conditional to how productive we are. Like the good soil. The wise virgins. The last judgement.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I thought of this again today, was the preacher said that Jesus taught the Be-attitudes not the do-attitudes (speaking in the context of the readings and the law). But with all the church rules and laws, and the confusing fragments we have of Jesus' teachings, it is hard to fully trust something as strange as unconditional love. I think I give up trying to understand or believe in doctrines of any kind. I think my faith definition continues to be the Our father though. Small mercies.
Oh and one of the things that I resent but try to ignore is this constant, underlying refrain that we are not good enough. And sometimes this does not matter. But at times, it does matter. A lot. You just have to figure out when and how. Simple huh! I do love you but you gotta meet my standards too.
ReplyDeleteHehe.. as you can see, this story had a lot of impact on me for many years. Will stop about it. LOL.